Never really good enough

You know the feeling you get that no matter what you do or how you go about things or what you venture to do, you will never be good enough.. And will I ever be good enough?
They say you should never look back, only forward.  However it is when we look back in retrospect that I say to myself, will I ever be good enough, will I ever achieve or amount to anything.... this leaves a void and a sadness which will not be moved.

Physician heal thyself

I keep thinking about all the times I have given advice and imparted word of wisdom to my friends and I have to say I feel a little ashamed of myself.  Ashamed because I haven't really followed the advice I freely give to my loved ones.  Making me not very wise at all and some what stupid. 
Today my friend is doing 'tough mudder'.  Tough mudder is an absolutely insane obstacle course which the individual trains themselves hard to the point of breaking just so they can participate.
Now this may seem like madness to some and there a plenty who would not even consider or think about such a potential death trap of an event but it makes sense to those who want a challenge like no other.  I can totally understand their mind set.  As humans we should do stuff outside our own comfort zone.  We should do stuff that challenges us to go beyond what we can do or think or imagine.  That what makes it all so attractive, so tempting. 
Now I didn't do a tough mudda event but I understand the how's and the why's.  When I was planning my first walk to Sydney, people thought I was crazy (in a loving way).  They could never imagine how a person would even want to walk such a distance that seemed to take forever.  I even had the very fit question me on such a feat.  For me though it seemed not so crazy.  It became something I had to do because I put it out there.  I had set myself up for a challenge my human spirit aimed for and I had to use whatever internal resourses I could to get me there, both mentally and physically.
Getting back to the title of this page, I can't help but think how much I lead myself down a negative path by the way I treat myself or the way I think and the way I talk to myself.  It gets me nowhere. 
My walk to Sydney was a moment in time and very significant to me at the time but I never let that moment in my life change who I am as a person.  When I lay there on hotel bed after 8 hours of pain, sweat and tears, I said to myself, 'I can do anything'.  I believe it wholey  (for that moment).  It never followed me though, I went back to the way I had always been, doubting myself and making excuses for the how's and the why's in my life.  Shame on me!!
I should have changed, I should have moved forward, I should have turned a corner but I missed the mark.  Shame on me.
After talking to my friend on the SMS.  After I had given her words of encouragement, it showed me how much I still need to embrace my own words.  I believe everything I told her.  I now need to take hold of what I am so passionate for her life and begin to life the very words spoken which come out of my mouth and spirit.
I need to for myself if I am ever going to get over the hurdles in my own life and begin to see the fruits of my own labour.  And it's not just for me it's for my friends to see that my words are not empty and for my girls so they also know when they say anything of importance it actually means something. 
Why did I use 'Physician heal thyself'?  Well Jesus said this and it makes sense.  Prevention is better than cure.  And I think Jesus was also telling us, the questions we for our lives, we can pretty much answer them ourselves.


 

Vacancy

You know the feeling.. there you are in a good situation, nothing really worth complaining about in your life.. you have everything you need, life has been going at a steady pace and you are blessed enough, things seems to be fine but you are still left with the sense of vacancy; not vague or empty but just vacant. 
Today I am feeling that way.  It is quite surreal.  It is like my insides are expecting something to happen at some stage in this life but there is an uncertain sense with in.  Not unhappiness, just a sense that things in my life could be at a different level. 
I don't know.. maybe its just one of my whingy days but I have nothing to be whinging about.  There is just a feeling things will not complete... I have such a blessed life.  I have all I have ever wanted.  My life isn't full of quantity and that's o.k.  I believe it's quality of life that is more important than quantity.  A person can fill their lives with plenty but that doesn't mean they are any happier than the person who has nothing.
Why am I writing this, it probably makes no sense.  I am beginning to wonder myself. As I write it brings me out of the mood and the downward sense I am feeling.  Writing is my elixir, so yes I am feeling vacant but the slight despair I was feeling has kind of moved on. 
However I still have what I was thinking in the back of my mind and wonder where will it all end up: my life, my family life, my career, the path I am treading, my marriage, my motherhood and my life as an individual.  That is the beauty of life itself, it's all a mystery and I can't wait to see where it all takes me.  So far it has not been boring and I know my life has not been for nothing but worth every situation I have been in.  I know my life has not been for vain purposes but for life itself.. my daughter's are the proof of that.

Bad habits changing to good habits..

Today I begin a little experiment in changing bad habits into good habits.  But it's not me who is trying to change from bad to good, it's my girls.  A little human dynamics so to speak.
I have been watching my girls interact with each other over the years and it is getting to a point as to where I should go or what should I do?
I have a 12year old and a soon to be 8 year old.  My oldest is quite mean at the best of the time and doesn't show love of Empathy or feeling for her younger sibling.  The younger is getting even more distressed by her sisters lack of attention in all aspects.
Don't get me wrong, sometime they play and communicate beautifully but other times they are at each other and it doesn't stop.  Now you might say, 'this sounds normal' but I don't want it to be normal, I want them both to love each other and support one another.  I am not asking for Hollywood here but I do wish they would just share each other with each other.
So, how is the situation going to change? I am going to change the momentum and replace a bad habit with a good one or a bad attitude to a good attitude. 
I am reading this book at the moment about habits.  It talks about replacing a bad habit with a good habit.  The books says that when we concentrate on 1 bad habit first like giving up smoking or drinking then all other habits will then follow or we don't focus on those bad habits.  Example; if I exercise for 15 minutes a day and that is all I concentrate on, my mind and body are not going to think about the other things like over eating. I will eventually not want to eat the bad stuff because my mind is focused on getting fit and good eating will follow.
This is where my experiment comes in.  Every day for 30 days twice a day, when they get up and before they go to bed, my girls have to hug &kiss each other and say, 'I love you, I love being your sister & I love that I am your sister'.  I want to help change the way they think of each other by creating a habit within them so it becomes natural to them to know and say they love each other.  It is kind of like affirming them and they affirming to each other they love each other.
I also had to show them and lead by example so I said the same thing to them and to my husband and maybe just maybe we will be a closer family and love each other more than before, then the girls will know how much they are loved and how much they have potential to love one another. 
I will keep you posted.  Fingers crossed I will have to girls who do truly care for one anther.

An ODE to Z...

Your probably wondering who Z is & why I need to write an ode, well I will tell you who he is in a moment.  Now before I go on, I will just clarify, I am not a physco fan or someone who obsess' about this particular (famous) individual.  Then again you might disagree but I do follow his journey on facebook on the occasion... not so much that he needs to be concerned, however I do feel I should write an ode to him because he is going through (or has gone through) some pretty major stuff of late.
OK I will cut the suspense and tell you... Zac Efron..there, I said it.  I suppose it's not really an ODE, it's more like a letter, so here goes...
Dear Z,
I understand you have gone through rehab of late... the media don't let you get away with much (at all) but I am glad that it took the media ages before they could report on it... why it's  their business to begin with is quite beyond me... how you slipped this situation by without being reported on is absolute genius... I think it's great you were able to keep this private because we the public have your life and the lives of other famous people thrust upon us and we are told every detail (mostly speculation) of what you have done or what you ate for breaky or what colour jocks you wearing, in our faces anytime we go to the shops or turn on the telly or whatever gossip site wishing to put their own spine on it.
I don't know you and you don't know me so what I am writing probably has no real impact but I want to tell you how great you are and I am encouraged by the sort of person you are and have become ... you saw your life was heading in the wrong direction and you did something about it.. bravo!!!! Proud, Proud, Proud of you.. 
I can only imagine what sort of life you lead and the pressure you face everyday with having to be a certain person, act a certain way and all the work you have with your career.  It mustn't be easy.  What impresses me is, you didn't want to be just another actor who let the addiction rule your life. You ruled your life and not many people who have addiction in their lives can say, 'I took control before it was too late'... thanks for sticking around, we need people like you...
So Mr Zac Efron, I wish you success in all you do (not just in the acting world) and I say, even though we are strangers, I am proud of you for going through this and getting to the other side.  Your battle is everyday but the best thing about it is, so are your victorys... God Bless you Z
Lizz

Just a quicky

Just when you think life is going on track, life hands you a curve ball.  I thought I was on track to do my walk to Sydney but unfortunately my left leg has copped a blow.  Last night I landed hard on my leg and now have pain right through from my ankle to my knee and I fear if I don't attend to it and get it's strength up then I will do some serious damage. So I am sacrificing my walk and postponing it to a later date.  
I am so disappointed because I thought it was all going well.  My leg gets in the way and I am not sure if I can really put it through the punishment of 10 hours of walking.  It feels like just the simplist of things is becoming harder and harder.  And I feel its not getting any better.
What am I going to do?  I will tell you, I will fight for my walk and will put all I can into achieving my goal but I have to be prepared to work for it.  I have to be prepared to work for the walk.  This is my contract to me.... I will get there!!!! Watch this space. 

The Walk

I can't believe it is only 6 weeks to go till my walk to Sydney.  From the last time I posted something not too much has happened or changed.  I can't say my training has increased and my diet has been neither here nor there.  Basically I have just stayed much the same as always.
However, I do not intend to miss my walk.  I will still walk.  It is something I do now. If I say I am going to do it, I will do it.  No matter how fit or unfit I am. 
After the last time I walk, I felt I did an amazing thing for myself.  I set a mark for me.  I felt like I could do anything now.  
As I write this, I keep thinking of all the excuses I still have in my life.  Yes I can walk to Sydney... in fact I don't really have anything to prove by re-doing the walk but I still have things in my life which I try to excuse, like my weight.  Really the walk should fuel my desire and goal to lose the weight.  I should be ignited to just get on with it.
Sometimes I just want to function normally and not have to think about what I should or should not be doing.  I get tired of me and having to work it out and trying to find a solution to anything but that is what makes my life so colourful and a challenge. 
Getting fired for this walk over the next 6 weeks is a priority.  I want to walk with less weight.  Not just because I want to look & feel fantastic but also for my joints.  They won't cope so well if I still have all the weight I have on my body... so this is what I am aiming for.  My aim is to be 6kgm (14lb)  lighter by the walk.  Plus I want it to be a starting point to continue getting fit.  I have plans and I want to see them through... for me, for my family and for my daughters.
I know I have said this before about my daughters.  Everything I do is really from them too.  They have to have an example in their lives.  I need to be the greatest.  What sort of parent or role model am I if I keep using excuses not to go for the things I want?
Here we go folk, I am on my way to Sydney and again I will let you know how it all goes... I love how you all have followed my progress and stayed with me on my journey of life so far.  This walk to Sydney is another journey which I am quite happy to have you along.  Put Oct 12 in your diary and  I will see you on the other side of the harbor.. or until I post again.
Love Lizz



 

To be great, do great.

I remember when I started this whole walking to Sydney thing.  It was the 1 October 2013 and I was really going through some self esteem issues.  What ever it was I was doing at the time didn't seem to be making me feel up lifted.  It was probably one of those 'Art Gallery ' moments I may have written about before.
I could see my life and what it was worth or what I wanted it to be worth but never really connecting with it.  You know the feeling?  You're allow to go behind the rope in front of the painting.  In fact you've been giving permission but there's a rope and no matter how much you've been told you have every right to get closer to the painting, you can't bring yourself to ignore the rope.
So I was having one of those moment and I just wanted to move from the setting I was in.
That was when I did the list of what I could do with my life. I spontaneously just wrote down, 'Walk to Sydney'.  Now this has become something I just have to do.  Plus I felt in order for me to be become great, I had to do great. Not because I have tickets on myself and want to big note myself but just to feel like I can achieve what I set out to do and maybe on the way, encourage other people to do the same no matter how big or small the goal is.
It got me thinking on my training walk today about where my motivation was and why it is I am doing this walk.  And it really did boils down to, 'To be great, do great'. I want that to be something I aspire to for my life and what I leave my daughters and how I want people to see me.
I am not famous and I am not really that different from most people.  We all want a sense of belonging, a sense of connection and a sense of purpose in our lives.  This walk I think it just a small part.  So this walk was the beginning of wanting all of that for my life because I wasn't feeling like I was moving forward or going anywhere. 
A walk is such a simple thing.  We put 1 foot in front of the other and we are off.  But it has become so much bigger for me.  I am actually achieving and striving for something in my life.
It may only be a small part of my life but it has so far played such a big part of my life too. 

Youtube..

Hey everyone
If you want to also check out my video diary go to Youtube and type in 'Kellyville to Sydney or bust Pt1 & Pt2... It will give you an idea about what I am trying to do...
It's a bit daggy but at least you can follow me on my journey in other ways to..
love yah Lizz

It's on again..

Hi all.. sorry it has taken me a while to blog...can't really find an excuse but I am back (for the time being.....
This is an extract of my latest journal entry... Yes I am walking to Sydney again and hopefully other people will be joining me this time.. I will be posting my progress on my blog and you can follow me as I go, just like last time.. plus I intent to do a video journaling too...so watch out for that..
so enjoy reading my entries and follow me as I go... You know I love having you read my blog and I am grateful for all of you (even if I don't know who you are)....
What you are going to read is also going to be used in my video journal, so it may read a little funny but if you read it the way you would say it then you should be alright...

15 July 2013

On Oct 1 2012, I decided to write a bucket list.  I had very low self-esteem at this point and felt I wasn’t doing enough with my life, so I wrote down things which I could achieve and some things I may not ever achieve but I wrote them down none the less.  There were things which challenged me to do stuff I could never imagine myself doing, the impossible & the possible.

One of the things on my list was to walk to Sydney.  This may sound somewhat easy but I wanted to walk from Kellyville to Sydney.  Kellyville is 35 - 39kms from Sydney.  Most people thought it was strange because it’s a long way.  But I put it on the list so knew I had to do it.  What was interesting about it was, it wasn’t something I really thought about, it was somewhat spontaneous.  I have no idea why I put it down, I just did.

On Saturday January 4 2013 at 5.30am, I set out on my walk.  I didn’t make it past Habberfield, 8kms short of walking to Sydney.  My body had gone as far as it could.  I couldn’t continue on any further.   Everyone who followed me on this journey via SMS was very encouraged by me getting that far and I was proud myself too.  I mean, there are not too many people who can say they have walked from Kellyville to Habberfield let alone from Kellyville to Sydney.  At the end of my walk (basically where I stopped) I was left with the feeling of, ‘I could do anything’.

However, I missed making it to Sydney.  I didn’t complete my walk.  I knew I had to finish what I set out to do.  I know I wanted to finish what I set out to do.  So on October 12, this year, 9 months from my last walk, I will be walking to Sydney again.  This time it will be walking to Circular Quay.  And this time I have invited people to join me. 

What I am doing is probably nothing new but it’s something I want to do.  People ask me (the fit and the unfit), ‘Why do you want to do that’?  I tell them, ‘because I can’ or ‘because it’s there’ and even, ‘Why not?’ I think people are expecting there to be a reason to walking that far.  I’ve even been asked if I am doing it for charity.  They find it strange someone would just want to walk to Sydney for no apparent reason. But really, who needs a reason? 

This is an account is my journey of walking to Sydney from Kellyville.  As well as being a journey of my preparation to get me there. 

So there you go... my first entry to my Sydney journey.... there are lots of stuff I have to add along the way and I occasionally post some video...
Enjoy coming with me again on my trip to get to Sydney..
love lizz

PS..I am taking the plunge and posting my video...please excuse the side ways view, I can't find the rotate button...
Hopefully it works...

The last couple of days and some...

Well if anyone said 'writing on a blog is easy', then they don't know me.  I don't always come up with subject to write on and I don't necessarily have a wit of thinking where I can grab a piece of paper and write my inner most thoughts down.  When I do have those times, it's usually when I am without paper and they are for that moment.  This ticks me off though because it's gold and I want to express what I am thinking.  Then when I get the pen & paper or to the computer, I've either forgotten what it is I was thinking or the time has passed and I can't remember or put into words what it is I have been wanting to write.
A couple of days ago I was having one of those moments and lucky for me, I can remember a little of what was going through my head.  I was pondering about history.  I'm not sure what history or who's history but just history in general.  It got me to thinking though about the history man leaves on this world and how life has be shaped by the history of 1 or 2 and many individuals.
There are some individuals like Hitler who took away the lives of many and shocked everyone by the disgrace he put on human kind from his black heart and his murderous insane mind.  A history we must never forget or repeat. 
Then we look at Mother Teressa who tried to preserve life and show us how much we need to remember those who are poor (not just in the physically but spiritual too).  How much she was our gift and by her own example she shaped the world to be a better place.  This we must remember.
Who could not forget the history of 1 student  who gave to the world.  A victorious history of standing up to injustice and wanting to show and change the situation he was in.  He was standing up and standing his ground for human kind, his country men and himself to say, 'we are not prepared to take this anymore'. Putting himself in front of the tank with white flags in his hand, in China.  Such an image I will remember for the rest of my life.  He created history which made the world take notice.
One more image I believe has brought a history about it.  In the 90's one of our national sports AFL (football) was playing it's grand final.  The teams were, The Adelaide Crows & St Kilda.  It was a battle but only 1 victorious winner.  Adelaide won that day and of course St Kilda were devastated but the siren had just gone and one Crows player made his way to one of the St Kilda players before he rejoiced in his teams victory. The camera caught a moment in history. The Crows player Andrew Mcleod embraced his opponents Nicky Winma.  It was a selfless act.  Not only had Nicky lost the game but that week Nicky lost a member of his family and Andrew forgot just for a moment his own glory to focus on Nicky.  It was a moment in time that even now moves me to tears and it created history.  It made front page news and I am sure moved a lot more people to tears too.
For me I have to think about what history I can create.  My daughters are the most precious thing in my life.  What history can I give them or the world?  What will they or people remember me for?  How can I give something to the world which will make them stand still and maybe ponder about their own lives?
Will I be remembered by my daughters because I loved them much or because I was complacent and didn't contribute to them or the world?  That my life was hum drum and I did nothing to inspire them to go for their dreams.  It's funny, I give my girls a hard time about showing they are committed to their dance and drama, their school and community.  Then I have to think about following my own example.  If I myself am not prepared to show my level of commitment to my writing, acting, French, my health and fitness, then what right do I have to expect it of them. What example am I prepare to give and then leave my daughters which will create a history for them to remember.
Making my history for the world is not about getting recognition but about how I invest in my world.  I've always wanted to make magic or do something where people are changed or thought about their own lives.  Where I can make a difference in this world and have something to offer.
However at the end of the day is the history I leave to the world about the big things I do or the little things?  They both are as important as the other.  My daughters are not necessarily going to remember me for the amount or books I wrote.  It will be for the amount of time I spent reading to them. Nor will they remember the amount of times I showed love to other people but how much I showed them love or played with them or came to their concerts and how much time I spent just being there.  I am still perfecting parenting and motherhood. I am not sure if I will ever get it right.  I'm pretty critical of myself.  All I can do is try to make my history count regardless of how big or how small.  Everything we do in this life has an impact.  We just got to remember the impact we create in our history is a history worth remembering.

blessings come in all packages

Yesterday I was the recipient of kindness from a complete stranger.  It was such a lovely moment in my life I thought it was worthy of a mention.
Now I know most of my readers are from different parts of the world, so you may not appreciate the code of AFL  (Aussie rules football).  Anyway, I was at a game of AFL and my youngest daughter whom is a very busy human being was not willing to sit still throughout the game.  She also kept poking the people in front of us, to which not even an apology would ease their pain.  The best thing for her and the people around was to take her out and go to the park.
This park is quite impressive. For all the people who had the honour of coming to or witnessing the 2000 Olympics in Sydney this is where the park is.  They have converted the Olympic village into a beautiful area of parks & playgrounds for the whole family.
Well, as I was sitting there watching my child play and enjoy not being confined to a seat and the rules of being a spectator, my daughter found a Frisbee. She had great pleasure playing with.  However my daughter is not the most aware person, so she was just throwing it around the playground.
Next to me was a lady of a different culture. While sitting there, her husband and adult son joined us on the bench and her young daughter was playing on the equipment trying to impress her mum and dad.  She continued to seek their approval by yelling out 'mum, dad, brother, look at me'.
The family continued to talk amongst themselves in their language.  I like the sound of family banter.  It gives an insight into how a family relates to one another.  As they continued to chat, my girl was throwing the Frisbee.  She called out my name and threw it toward me and the other family.  The frisbee was clearly heading toward us more likely to hit the family than me, so just before it could hit them I reached out and grabbed it.  I didn't quite have a grasp of the toy but stopped from hitting anyone.
We all began to laugh as they realised I didn't quite catch it.  They were also quite good humoured about the whole thing.  I made a comment about me almost catching the frisbee.  We kind of laughed it off and then went back to the way before the 'fresbee' incident.
As we were sitting there, I turned and noticed the lady had pulled out a bag of mandarins.  She proceeded to peel the fruit.  She was insistent her son have a piece of fruit.  I turned around to observe what my girl was doing when I was presented with a mandarin.  I was completely taken back.  This lady whom I did not know and did not share any common relationship with except motherhood, was offering me a gift of fruit.  At first I politely declined the offer and said, 'No thank you' but looking into her face and seeing her kindness and willingness to share what was hers, when she insisted the second time, I gladly accepted.  I was so touched by her generosity and thanked her for her kindness.  The lady acknowledged  me but didn't not speak, she just nodded.  We ate our fruit in silence enjoying watching our children and the other kids at the park enjoy themselves.
I'd have to say it was the sweetest mandarin to taste.  Sweet because it was given in true generosity.  Sweet because a stranger was willing to share and sweet because regardless of our differences we found a common ground in our fellowship of human kind.
It was then time to go.  My husband had arrived with my other daughter and it was getting late.  The family on my bench also had to leave.  Before they left, I thanked them once again for their kindness to which I was proud to tell my husband of the lady's gesture.  As they walked away the only English the lady spoke was 'goodbye'.  As they walked away I prayed they would receive as much blessing as they had blessed me.  Some may say it was just a small piece of fruit but it was more than that.  Kindness speaks the language of many and it is a universal language and the beauty of it is, everyone understand it no matter how it comes and from whom it comes.

When?

When do you give up your dream?  When do you move on from what you have wanted all your life?  You see I am struggling with 'do I keep going, do I keep striving for a dream I may never see come to pass'.  Am I living in a fantasy?
My whole life has been about wanting to be an actor.  To be cast in something like a well paying play or TVC or even a movie.  Just to act.  Just to show I can do it, that I have the talent.  I am not saying I have completely missed out.  I have been so honoured to do a few plays here, a couple of commercials and some short  films.  Most of which the editing floor has been where my best work has ended.  He he he. Do I even have a presence about myself that makes casting directors take notice of me?
I kid myself I think. I suppose I am waiting for my 'burning bush' experience.  Me working on set or auditioning for a part or being involved in the play (even my own) and there will be some person who sees me as someone they would put in their play or movie or put me forward for something amazing.  Have I been  deluding myself?  Am I really talented and I haven't been honest with myself?  Surely I have something?
It's funny, I keep saying to myself, 'the only person who thinks I can act is my agent'.  It upsets me that I have travel this road for so long to not get to the end destination would be a total shame.  But in many ways I feel stupid.  All this time I have wasted believing in something that may never really happen.
Part of it isn't me.  My belief in my dreams is no longer for me but for my daughters.  They have to believe if you have a dream to go for it, never to give up on what makes your heart sing.  If they see me give in or not see something fulfilled where does it leave the philosophy?  I want them to have faith in their own aspirations of whatever they choose to be.  I don't want them thinking they will never see their goals fulfilled.
Then there is the other side of the coin.  When is it time to be honest with yourself and move on to a different dream or build another.  Life is amazing!   It surprises us all.  Just when we think it's over, something comes and fills up our cup of all most empty.
Years ago I had a dream of owning my own cafe.  I could see myself having a little breakfast business.  I have worked in the industry since I was 15. Which is most of my life.  And food is something I have always done. However I am way over it.  Food is something I love and I love to cook for people and invent dishes of food but it's not my passion.  Hospitality is something I do when I have to earn money.  Even working in this industry is open to so called casting directors.  Can I do the work?  Am I up to it? Will I work fast? Physically hospitality is not something I can do any more.  From my neck down, I am pretty much stuffed.
just had a little distraction.. my lovely daughters are good at that... fights over who is going to put the cat out.. makes me stop and think about the important things in life and the not so important things... I am smiling at myself and can see, I let matters I have no control over dictate to me how I am feeling... yes I want to act and I want to write and I want to travel to
France to write and the list goes on.. but I cannot control what people think or feel or whether they choose me or am I right for the part.. what I can control or aspire to do is.. be there when called up, never waste an opportunity and keep on dreaming...
also my daughters need to see a fighting spirit... to never give up even when you think it won't happen, life is full of surprises and you can only be present when life gives you the chance to do what you've always wanted to do....

On that note, I will leave it there.. I have monopolised this space long enough..thanks for listening & reading, my greatest and best audience...lizz

I just don't understand.

Just when you think the world is pretty stable, tragic events in Boston happen and the world takes 1 million steps back. 'Why' is one of the questions we tend to ask but will the 'why' really satisfy our wanting to know or answer the question?
I don't want to spend too much time on this post because I will pray, reflect and grieve for and with Boston.  Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything but I feel to use this as a purpose to sum up the sentiment or 'the why' of this horrific event, is inappropriate and insensitive. 
I will never understand why it is ok to hurt someone else because you need to be heard or want to make a point.  Sometimes the 'Why' will never be answered and when we receive the reason does it really matter or change the situation?

best birthday EVER!

Wow I am 44, today... the best thing though is checking my blog and seeing how many people who have passed through my page...I am way blessed and so happy you all stopped by.  Thank you!  You've given me the beginnings of a great day and a birthday to remember.
I can only hope you all have a great day too.  Loads and loads of blessings on you all!  I feel very honoured to have you as readers of my page whom ever you may be. 
I was taken out to dinner last night for my birthday.  I always look forward to that on my birthday.  In the next day or 2 I will be getting a girly girl bike (vintage style).  Can't wait for that!  My beautiful friend in Adelaide sent me a lovely gift card.  She always has looked out for me and I love her dearly.  And to top off what is the beginning of my birthday day, lots of you decided you'd check out 'Julia'.
Please, Please just pop a comment in the box so I know who you may be and then I can hopefully send you a thank you.  Again I don't know who any of you are but I feel so touched you decided to stop by.
Well today I am going to do my first big walk in ages about 12 - 14 klms in all.  Then I am going to sit down and do more writing and enjoy lunch by myself and take time out for me before I face the busy school pick up ready for holidays.
Ah yeah this is what I look like yesterday (birthday eve).  I like to take my picture every 12 months to see how I have changed.  Also a pic of the family eating out at a brilliant restaurant 'Arthurs'  If any of you get to Sydney you really need to check it out.  One of the best places to eat here.
Just then I realized something, I'm getting a totally amazing present, my niece is about to give birth today, so her new little baby and I will share the same birthday...now I will never forget when she was born...this birthday is getting better and better...
love you guys  Lizz

43years 364 days old

My beautiful family
 

8 hours

In 8 hours I will be 44.  Today I have been reflecting on my life thus far or rather the last 12 months.  Although at best of time I don't think I do that much in my life or have much to show for it, I have actually done quite a bit.  I should be proud of what I have accomplished.
I think Aussies are self deprecating.  We don't like to look too big or we may seem like we have big egos.  And what we do to each other can be disappointing.  It is sad.  You can be successful but not too successful.  We call it, 'tall poppi syndrome'.
In the last 6 months, I would say it has been the best part of my 40's.  I did stuff, even if I have slowed down a bit, I have achieve stuff. 
Walking to Sydney (or near Sydney) was probably the most memorable.  How could I forget that walk?  My muscles kept reminding me for weeks afterward.  I was sore! I can honestly say I never thought I could do it.  I am glad I did because I felt like 'I can do anything' after that experience. Now I want more experiences like it and I don't want it to stop.
Then there was the play.  I was going to shelve it because I didn't think it would ever get off the ground.  There were so many stops and starts.  I felt like maybe I should just forget about it but I am glad my agent/director didn't.  He made sure we moved with it and put it on.  March 17 may have been St Patrick's Day but it was the day my play was presented to the world.  I may never have another opportunity to write or perform another play and that would be OK with me because I was great for just 1 hour of my life.
Now, what greatness can I bestow upon myself in the next 12 months?  There is so much I want to do.  My health and fitness is a priority, so I will aim for peak fitness.  I will endeavor to loose 24kgm or around 56lb by my birthday next year.  I want to see my body change and be cut and see every muscle defined.  Then I have my second walk to Sydney.  Yes I am attempting it again.  I am not sure how it will go but you know I will keep you posted. 
By next year I will speak confident French.  Maybe not perfect but holding a conversation even I can understand.  Also I want to have my passport and to book my airline ticket to Paris, so I have to be on top of my savings.  Lastly, this year is about getting published for any writings.  So I better get to work then.  For what is it worth, Happy Birthday to me and all the best for the next 12 months.  Knock 'em dead kido!
As always I am glad you are on the journey with me.  You are my keen readers and although I don't know who any of you are it's great to have you along for the ride.  And what a ride it is!
love yah Lizz

What do I want my life to look like?

What is it?  What do I want my life to look like?  Or should I say, 'What do I want my life to have matter, to have changed, to have challenged, to have inspired?  How can I make a difference in this world which will leave a mark (in a positive way) on this world.
No matter how many times I ask myself that question, I am still waiting for an answer.  Still trying to figure out that for myself.  I know I want it to mean something.  I know I want it to have contributed to the world, to my daughters, to my relationships.
I feel if I don't do something extraordinary then I have wasted the space called life.  But I have to ask myself, who am I doing all this self discovery for?  Is it for my benefit, my daughter's, my husband's, for you, for God?
It's all of the above but mostly me.  I'm the one who has to look at myself in the mirror and answer the question.  If I am not true to myself and do, I may as well pack up and ask God to take me home.  It's sounds all so simple, maybe that's the problem.  It is simple enough to say what I'm want to do, but the trick is to do what I want to do.
Then there's the question, 'Why can't I just exist'?  Do what I have to do in the day to get me through.  I did drama classes years ago with a girl who never had any big dreams or aspirations and she was happy.  I never met anyone who just was happy waking up, going to her job and just living her life.  She never had any big dreams or big ideas.  She just lived.  Plus she never really saw the big deal about achieving stuff, she wanted to just live her life.  The funny thing was, she thought she was strange to not have those ideas.  And what made it all the more interesting was, she was happy.  Man I envied her.  Life would be so much easier at times if we just went about our day just living.  I wish I could be that happy in life I didn't screw my head up with all the things I wish I could do.
Having children changes life slightly.  You want to be the example so your children can fulfill a dream or a goal or an agenda.  I want to do stuff so my daughter will know they also can achieve what they dream about. I feel I will let them down if I don't work toward something and succeed at it.
I want my husband to see that my determination to go for it has paid off and he can be proud of me and I can be proud of me too.
My husband is a funny one.  He is not one to show or share  his feeling so freely.  Very rarely does he show emotion.  I do catch him out sometimes though and when I do, I feel more in love with him than before.  The two occasions I can think of is, after my play, he and the girls were the first people who embraced me.  To see his face and his pride for me was something I will remember forever and I am glad I got to see my family first.  The other time I saw my husbands emotion was when my Jess was at her concert and she did a lyrical with her class.  I could hear my husbands emotion as he watched his beautiful little girl be a dancer.  He told me after, she is a dancer.  The pride for her was beautiful and admirable.
What I want my life to look like is almost a unrealistic romance movie.  If I could be as happy as some to these movies on the telly or screen, I think I would be happy but my life isn't a movie, it is far from it.  I have to make my own happiness and do the best I can with what God has given me.  I have to get of the couch and walk to Sydney again, I have to write another play, finish what I started, loose weight, get fit, go to France.  Life will not just happen.  I have to make my life into something they will make a movie about.  It is not a romance novel.  Things don't just happen.  Life is more interesting than that.  At the end of my life if I can do half of what I have set out to do in this life, then I have done it.  My life isn't over yet and I have more life to live. 
That dear friends is what I want my life to look like.  And it doesn't matter if my life never looks like what I expect it to, then that is brilliant to.  Life  is full of surprise and that's what makes it so great.

A day to rejoice!!!

I actually want to go back to bed and start the day again.  My mood is somewhat melancholy to the point of sadness.  It should be a day to rejoice.  Jesus is alive! This should be enough to raise ones spirit but I am not rejoicing.  I feel yuk.  My cloak of trivial sadness is heavy and unwanted but I can not shift it or remove it.  It is too snug.
What I hate about my cloak is, it is somewhat comfortable. I don't want to take it off yet I wish it was off because I don't seem to function.  My interest in doing anything is limited and I want to stay in one spot like the chair or the bed. 
My mind is clouded and compressed.  It feels like I have a headache but with out the pain.  I want this day to be different.  I need to get out of this house even for 1 hour. Just to clear my head or feel like I am feeling.
There is so much to be celebrating today.  It's Easter! But I can't shake this feeling of inadequate sensation. Everything is moving about me but I stay still and don't get out of my spot. I am so aware of my own emotion and the emotion fears with in me arise.
A sense of failure is looming.  My husband is cleaning the car out.  One daughter is cleaning the dishes, the other is sitting with me oblivious to my inner commotion.  I feel I should be doing something or be judged by myself from doing nothing.
You are probably wondering why such blah, blah coming your way.  It's because I need to just do something, write/type it down.  I internalize too much and to share it with my friends (that's you) is a way I can monitor my own emotions.
I told you once before, I find it hard to begin a conversation about how I am feeling.  It is not easy for me just to open up the communication lines with, 'I am feeling....'.  This is the best way I can open up.  To everyone who does read my blog, I would suggest you are reading my diary.  I keep not a lot to myself when I write.  Blame it on Julia is a great way for me to vent and express how I am going and feeling.  As I am communicating all of this on the virtual paper, the cloak is getting a loser and my compressed headache is starting to lift.
I love writing!  It really is changing and altering my sensation of sadness. I am starting to feel I can function and move about.  What is it about this form of craft which can move the state of mind in a different direction.
Maybe now I can begin to focus on what today is all about.  A day to rejoice.  Christ is risen, he is risen indeed.

proud to say

I am now proud to say my play was brilliant.  Everything went just as it need to. The whole show was just the best and I am grateful for every one involved, from sound to lighting to backstage crew to front of house.  To be a part of it all was amazing and I couldn't have done it without any of them.
My fellow actors were right on the money.  They shone brightly and my light shone a little brighter because of them.  Thank you Laura for being my support and the best gal for the job.  JC, you were the best director, mentor and teacher.
Second half actors, WOW...WOW!! You rock! You are some of the best talent Sydney has to offer and I can only believe your work will increase and your profile has been made bigger.  Thank you so much.  There would not have been a show without you.
To me, Lizz, how proud I am of you.  Again you showed yourself you can be great and share what God has given you with the world.  We did it girl!  Thank you for not putting this one on the shelf and walking away.  If you had, you might have missed out on the blessing of the crowd and the blessing of a great show.

Today's the day

Well folks, it's taken 3years, countless rewrites and hours of rehearsal & an almost shelved project to get to this point for my play to be where it is today.  I'm still in a daze in many ways but it's actually happening!  People are paying money to come and see 'A middle age heaven', my play. I couldn't be happier at this moment.  Whatever happens after this, well that's irrelevant because something I wrote is going to be displayed to an audience.  No concerns or worries (at this point), just peace and a sense of achievement.
Just writing that sentence then has made me emotional and I am overwhelmed by how it has all come together.  I wish you all could be there, where ever you are but it you watch out I will let you know when it will be on Youtube.  I don't profess it to be the best play or the play that changed the world but my hope is people are just entertained and had a giggle or 2.
Thanks for reading and catch you all after the play and after much celebration.
Lizz

Days of Blah..

Do you have days when the word, 'ordinary', is the best way to discrible how you are feeling.  Well I am experiencing just that, ordinary. 
I don't have anything to complain about, I am not stressed or have anything to worry about really.  I just feel ordinary.   Infact I feel like a plank of wood.  This in itself it the silliest way to describe the sensation, I mean I am sure the plank would take offense but it is the best way I can think of my mood.
Maybe indifference, nonchalant, unmoved?  No, nothing.  Shakespear said in King Lear, 'Nothing comes of nothing'.  I actually think this is quite profound.  If you feel nothing than nothing will become of it.  If you give nothing, nothing will return to you.  If nothing is what you expect, than nothing is what you'll get.
Gosh I am melladramatic and pathetic in my mood.  That being said, it is the end of this post because I have nothing more to add (chuckle).
Lizz

Not my thing

Technology!  Can't live with it, can't live with out it.  At best it really p's me off.  As I am sure it does most people.  It is the necessary evil we had to have and now we have to live with.  The thing is, now I can't go with out it whether it be my choice or not. 
Without technology I wouldn't be able to post my blog or connect to my friends interstate or other wise.  You wouldn't be able to do the same thing.  Even what seems like simple technology apparently is a must do.
Today at Office works, I was trying to work the self serve photocopier.  I am so oblivious to anything and this is where my skills let me down.  Sometimes I think it would be easier to have my husband go where I go then I wouldn't feel so stupid.  Then again it certainly sets me up for being stupid if I have my husband with me...any how...I had to photocopy some documents, it took for ever just to get the thing to start (I suppose I should be laughing at myself) when it eventually did start for me, I was getting aggitated by hearing the printer work but not seeing the paper come out.  Well I was really starting to become sore at this piece of technology so I printed again.  Still no paper, so I did it again complaining all time how much I hate technology and it is a waste of time and complain, complain, complain..until I realised, the paper comes out the middle and not the side anymor.  Silly, stupid, funny me.

8 days

Only 8 days and counting till my life may never be the same again.  I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.  This play of mine has become so big, I don't know what to expect.
It was suppose to be an audience of 100 and now it has become more like 200 - 300 in size.  I mean, bring it on, I love an audience but it is kind of overwhelming.  I'm not sure if I am prepared for what lies ahead.
Maybe I don't have as much vision as my director.  Maybe I am nervous about the outcome.  It might be the best play some people have seen.  It also might be the worst but it's my play and I believe in it.  To have absolute faith in something is a big thing.  I just hope the story relays to the audience.  My humble little play to be put on the world stage is massive.
I take it all on board though.  My goal was to write something which kept my friend and me in acting work.  It has taken 3 years to get it to this point and now we got there.  The question is though, will it create more acting opportunities for us.  We will just have to see.
A lot can happen in this week, so bring it on and I'll keep my head up and will go for it.  At least I can say, 'I DID IT'!  Whatever happens from next week it up to God, fate, destiny and my own will and the will of the others whom might be interested in my outcome.

Thank you

Hey I just want to thank the people who veiw my blog.  I don't know who you are but I am glad you stop by on our journey to maybe some other page but still click on mine.Thank you to all my readers in Europe, America and Canada, with the occasional Aussie in there. 
Now I am not sure how many of you actually read my words completely or you just brouse but I am grateful for you stopping by.  It'd be great to have you as friends, so feel free to send an email to the blog and we can go from there.
At the moment my time on Julia is low because of my play coming up.  Only 16 more days!  How nervous am I?! Make or break time baby! But after the play, I plan to spend more time on my blog and getting it all prettied up.
Again, thank you to the people who stop by to read Julia.  It is probably a pretty obsure title for a blog but a least you check it out.  I also hope my topics and what I write about are interesting enough to be worth the stop over.
Well until the next time (maybe in a couple of days) bye for now.  Lizz

No real title

Is my life worth commentating on?  Do people really want to know what I get up to or what I have to say?  What makes me even think for a moment I am contributing to the world by what I share?
I feel like I should keep my feelings close to my chest like a card player who doesn't want his opponents knowing what he has in his hand for fear of losing the card game.
One of my fears in this life is turning out like my mum.  Now my mum is not a horrible person by any means. The thing with my mum was, she shared all too much.  If she had an ailment, she would let the world know.  Her health wasn't the greatest but I feel she wore it like a badge of honour.  I can still visualise the awkward silence before comment of, 'that's not good' from her listener.  When they probably were wishing to say something else.  Where do people go with that sort of information?  How should they respond?  It was almost unfair of her to burden her listener with such information but she just wanted to be heard. She wanted someone to care enough to show they thought she was important.
My mum had  5 kids and not a lot of time for herself.  I am sure she didn't cope but felt she couldn't share with her woe of motherhood.  And lets face it.  A kids life is a pretty easy life in some respects.  The get fed, clothed, housed.  When they are sick, they have someone to get them through the illness.  Their tears get wiped away, nose gets blown and they have a  protecter when they get scared.
What did my mum have?  For most of my Mum's life she was a bit of a slave with not much in return.  I was a bit of a shit.  I never really gave my mum any respite, nor did my siblings.  We pretty much expected mum to do it all.  Is it any wonder she let her illness's be a way to get attention?
Unfortunately, this aliment attention runs in the family and don't we love to share.  My family is following in her footsteps just slightly.  We like to share what medically we are going through.  This somewhat repells me.
Maybe this is why I write.  I want people to feel I have something to say because I want them to know I am important or I am worth hearing. Blah, Blah, Blah. Please, I am no more important than the next person.  I say this to myself. 
I have been researching the last couple of days the problem I am facing and asked a friend if she might have any information.  There is way too much information on my problem. However, she could not find any complete info on the subject but next thing my ailment is being shared as a general conversation.
I couldn't help but feel some distain from the listener, not on purpose but just a general sense.  It could all be in my mind but I started to feel somewhat sad.  I could see my mother's senario.  She'd share and a wall would go up between her and her listener.
As the conversation went on, my anxiety began to rise and I felt like I shared too much.  Of course, the dialogue in my head was, 'why did you bother saying anything?  They don't care' or 'Gosh, I am sure they want to be anywhere else but here listening to you' or 'Not something else'.
I believe we should share our burdens with our friends and I believe we need to reach out for help when needed.  Me though, I don't actually follow that rule.  I have confided in some friends but I find it hard to share my deepest feelings and thoughts because how do you start that conversation up?  How do you begin?  I have no idea how to bring that sort of subject up.  So I end up living in my silence.  Great role model for my daughters hey?
When I was leaving today I felt depressed.  I don't want to share like my Mum shared. To have that sigh or that awkward silence before comment.  It is not something I am prepared experience anymore.  Maybe it's pride, maybe it's just my imagination but it is real to me.  I am not that important that people should have to listen to anything I have to share.  Yes, it seperates me from the crowd but at least they will feel more comfortable in the knowledge I am not going to continually tell them about all the problems I am having.  I will be selective in what I say and what I give.
That is just the way it has to be.  No one really wants to think that Lizz is anything but a happy go lucky sort of person. It is the way they have thought about me for a long time now, so I will continue to let them think I am a person who is happy and consistant and well adjusted and nothing fazes me. No point changing now.  It's not all bad though.  At least I am reliable and people will feel they can share with me what they are experiencing with out the threat of me being anything but a good friend and listener.  It's just the way life goes and is.

4 weeks to go!!

Yes that's right! Only 4 more weeks till my play is brought before Sydney and possible the world.  The emotion is a mixture of excitement, nerves, fear and uncertainty.  I feel sick yet elated and fearful yet antisipation for the outcome.
There is a bit on the line here and not just for me.  I am glad I am not going through this alone.  My play is just the first act.  The second act follows with some very amazing talent.  If all goes well, these performers will be on their way to a successful future or at least, more work.  If not so well, I just hope the audience and maybe some of the casting directors will see past my play and take notice of these up and coming talented performers.
I am praying God prepares my heart for whatever comes out of this play for me and He would bless the other performers too. In some way I feel I am responsible for the show and it's outcome. Which is somewhat rediculous.  The audiences makes or breaks a show and my play might not be to everyone cup of tea.  I hope it is welcomed well and the whole show goes of with a bang.
However, it is my play that has bought this show together. Which is why I feel somehow responsible for the success of the other performers.

The show has become rather large. I was only expecting maybe just a little boutique performance with the number of the audience only being 100.  It has become 3 times biger and I am not sure if I am ready for it.  But thats what makes it so amazing for me. 
Whether you believe in God or just the saying of 'the universe', I think it's a metephore for me to take on board.  If I can dream 100, why not dream 300.  The potencial is there. I may think my play is little and humble but if I am prepared to go with it, my dream can take me way behond all that I could imagine.
Remember, if you are in Sydney come and check it out.  We are now setting the task of selling tickets.  A show is not a show without an audience.  I do know we have at least 2 in the audience. My friend just bought 2 tickets, so yeah, we at least have someone watching but we need way more.
It will be a great show and the chance to be back on stage is the absolute bomb for me.  4 weeks and counting.

What do I want?

How many times have I heard myself ask me this, 'what do you want'?  I think I would (as cliche as it sounds) be a very wealthy women.  It is even one of the lines in my play.  I remember hearing one of the most amazing public speakers ask the same thing.  Rick Goings asks a bunch of Nutrimetics women at their annual convention, 'What do you want your life to look like'?
Yesterday I began to ask myself this.  With much more intensity in the question.  What is it that I want?  
In recent times I have joined survey groups, looked at online money generating programs and programs about how I can become an earning machine without going any further than my own office chair.
In no way do I mock such money making tools because I am one of the many looking for an answer to the finacial questions.  Plus there are many people who are gratefully reaping in the rewards of such programs.  I also am hoping I will see the benefit of such a good income.  I just have one question for myself though, 'is it really what I want'?
Now of course I want finacial freedom.  Who doesn't in this day and age.  There is so much woe when it comes to money.  Whether I have just enough or breaking even or not quite there or always being behind and never seeing an end to the bills mounting up, the money problem still exists.
The beginning of the year for my family is always an expensive time.  There seems to be one bill after the other and it keeps coming. That is the reason why I am investing in money making programs.  The question for me though is, 'is this what I want'?  Let me just say again though, I do want to be one of those people who generate an income from the internet but I can honestly say, it is not the core of what I really want. 
Sometimes I see myself looking down.  I feel like I am hovering over me looking at what I am doing or what I want to do. I become the observer of my own life rather than the participater.  I see me trying to move in the direction I want to go but never really moving from the spot I am standing.  That frightens me because time continues and I am missing the part which I am be to be involved in.
My last post was all about me becoming a writer & an actor There are times when the last thing I want to do is write. 
The cost of being a writer isn't that much but price, is very expensive.  And if I am sensible I would go back to work and earn a living.  Both writing and acting is not big on the money stakes.  You don't get paid (to begin with) very much and to so either means sometimes waiting for that final break.  The hours are long and so is the waiting. I've been writing and acting off and on for most of my life.  Out of the 2, acting has been more profitable.  But in 44 years of trying to 'make it' I have earned about $5000.  Those odds suck.
The thing is though, when I asked myself that question of what I want to do, it was without a doubt, 'Be a writer'.  What's funny is, I have waited so long in my life to even be recognised, I can wait a little longer to see the reward of my efforts. I WANT TO BE A WRITER AND I WANT TO BE AN ACTOR.
Too many times I have let my dream pass and dismissed it in my life but I really do want to be a writer and I really do want to act and I do really want to be good at what I do and be taken seriously in this chosen craft.
I don't proclaim I am the best or that I should be up there with Dench, Streep & Depp but I do want it to be part of my life.  If I bomb out, then I bomb out.  If I suck at it, I suck at it, it won't stop me from  writing or acting no matter how big or small.  I will continue to do it because I love it.
Getting back to my hopeful money making programs, I believe it can work to my benifit.  Not everyone will see my blog and so I could luck out there when I continually put the 'Click here' button but as long as I am still writing then that's ok too: money or no money.  Plus I am still being a writer and I am still seeing my dreams come to existance by every entry I put on this blog.  I am a writer!  Doesn't matter how much or how little, I am writing and that is all that matters to me.  I may be missing out on the money side of things but when you do what you love, money is just a bonus.
I worry a little though.  My worry is running out of things to write about or commentate. 
Next year I hopefully will be in Paris learning about how to write my Memoirs.  I have wanted to join this group for the last 2 or 3 years.  I pine to be on this trip.  The trip to Paris is all part of the journey for me in being a writer and in someway I feel it will cement my passion for writing, so of course money is all part of getting there.  At the bottom of this page is a link to becoming a writer.  It is worth taking a look at if you also want to be a writer and have had a hard time trying to find the right door to your writing dream. 
I'm still have a long way to go with my writing too.  I feel I have still so much to learn with writing and all that goes into it.  I've got lots of unfinished works to get through too and am keen to see them published one day.  This is why I am inviting you to check out this program which will get you on your way.
Click here to find out how you can become a writer too.
PS if you want to write your memoirs a good text book is by Patti Miller, 'Writing your life. A journey of discovery' she gives you the right tools to use with your memoirs.
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Got stuff here

By now you have all pretty much worked out I want to be a writer.  I've wanted to be a writer since I was 8 or 9. My mother asked what all mothers ask, 'What do you want to do when you grow up'?  Straight up, I boldly said, 'A writer'.  No flinch or hesitation. I knew what I wanted.  I also wanted to be an actor.
Now I don't proclaim I am good at either of them but I love to put down pros (as bad as they may be) and I take any opportunity to act.  They are things I have wanted to do since I can remember.  I am blessed to say I have had my fair share at doing both.  Currently I am in the end stages (excuse the pun) of performing in a play I wrote.  It's all very exciting!!  In just over 1 month, my first contempary play will be on stage.
Now this could be the end for me and a possible career if people don't like it or I do a really bad job...but to have it put on and for it to be out there, that is excitement!!  My director likes it and I have had a ball at writing and now I get to perform it in front of an audience.  And to me it doesn't matter too much if there is no warm reception, just to do what I love is all that matters.  Plus I think it is a good play with loads of promise.
I have to let you know though, my web'blog will be changing somewhat. 
Blame it on Julia will be changing just slightly.  Got stuff here means I am going to be having on my blog some links to products you might be interested in looking at.  Hey if you want to be a writer and or an actor, it might be worth looking at them.  I just wanted to be honest with you.  The few or five which do check out my blog will appreciate the things I present.  There are a few other things I am into too, so I will only post stuff of which I am interested in and like doing myself.  There is no use me writing or promoting something like 'Sky diving' if I wouldn't do it myself or have no idea about such matters.
Some of the other things I may write about and promote would be things on cooking/food/wine.  I have worked most of my working life in the hospitality industry and love different foods and wine and so on.  I also am inclined to look at languages or French rather.  I am learning how to speak French so I will work my way up to such a subject..not just yet though.
I wanted to be open with you and let you in on what's going on with my blog.  So if you see things such as 'Click here', don't let them scare you off because I love having people like yourself check out 'Blame it on Julia' and what I'm up to, on the page, so if you want to invested in these things too, don't hesitate to check them out.
One last thing on the subject, if you do check out any of the 'Click here' on my blog, there may be a chance you might get a cookie.  Hubby says I have to be up front about all things when it comes to what I put on my page.

Click here to check out this program on becoming a writer.

Hopefully I will get some chance to catch up with some of you from any comments you would like to share.  It would be great to have a whole new lot of friends too.
Love lizz
PS thought you'll get a kick out of my flyer for my play
so if any of you are in Australia or residents of Sydney come  and see...it's going to be great!!  I am the one with the orange scarf.

Change is good.

I remember when I was nine, change frightened the life out of me and I resented my father for it.
As we pulled away in the car from the home I loved and the familiar surroundings I had come to know, his soothing words for this little girl were (a bit foggy on the exact wording) 'change happens, get used to it'.  Blunt and unfeeling.  I was devestated.  He didn't know how much it hurt and how much it scared me to change my life like that.  I was only a little girl. 
As I sit and blog away I am drawn to my own daughter's experience and how hard it has been to ajust to our new life in Sydney.  It's been over 5 years now and she has settled down but when I think about my own experience to her experiences, I see how hard it really is for such a little person to cope with.
I feel somewhat ashamed because I think as a parent we have to offer a solution to the fears of our kids.  I ashamed because I wonder if I myself handle her regret with cold and unfeeling comments.  It's not easy seeing them go through so much.  Is  there really a solution to such problems.  Now I know I wasn't hard on her, but how did she see how I have responded to her regret?  Will she be the cycle of parenting to come?  Will she answer her own childrens fears with cold and unfeeling response or will she swoop them under her wings and comfort them?
It has been a hard road for all of us.  I like to think I was a more empathetic to my girls needs.  It has been an anxious time for us all.  There have been tears and prayers and sleepless nights over the 5 years.  I have tried to sooth all her concerns.  Then there have been times where I am ready to pull my hair out because it has frustrated me trying to figure out how to make it better for her.
The problem for me has been, I want to be here.  I am excited we moved here to Sydney.  It is so full of art and opportunity and diversity.  My blood and heart pump really fast.  It is adrenalin for me.  Not so my family.  Although my youngest has adapted quite well.  Sydney is all she has really known.  This is her home.  Now however she is talking about moving back to Adelaide.
Adelaide is a beautiful city.  It is my home.  Moving away was hard for me.  I had to give up my circle of community.  My family which all live in Adelaide.  I also had to give up all that I had known for 38 years.  What was different for me was, I was ready for Sydney.  I was ready for change.  I saw it as an adventure and a new chapter in my life.  I also felt excited for my husband and for my family.  It still is exciting for me.
All the herdles have been hard and high but I see the change as a good thing for the first time in my life.  It is still a herdle every other day.  I just got to make my family as comfortable as possible even in their state of regret.
My older daughter has settle down but still pines for Adelaide.  My husband pines for the simpler life he had and my youngest, she's happy but misses the opportunity to get to know and see her family in Adelaide.  I miss everyone but I feel settle here and I have seen how change has happened in Adelaide too.  Change is good.  It can make us grow.  It can turn on us too but what an adventure I am having.  I just have to show my girls & my man when we are a family going through change, as long as we are together with all the things that come our way, change really is something to grasp and hold onto.  For me, change is hard.  I never liked it as a kid but I embrace it and go with it now.

And stepping up to the plate.....

Yes it's that time again to step up.  It has been over a month since I have blogged.  And confession time, well over a month since I've done any walking.  It took nearly a week before I could move freely about.  My body was absolutely broken from my 30 k walk.  It was amazing I even got off the bus.  Which is funny in itself.  The bus driver the next day had to wait well over 2 minutes for me to even get to the front of the bus and then an extra 1 for me to step onto the path.  He was very patient I will say.
The night of my rest in the city, I could hardly get of the bed and my sleep was a marithon in itself.  I laugh though because once my body shut down, it took a while to do the simplist of things.  I  heard myself used the phrase, 'you know your getting old when....'
This all being said, I would do it again and I feel I need to.  I put down I was going to walk to Sydney and I am.  The walk showed me, when I put my mind to I can achieve great things.  Now in the eyes of some walking to Sydney might not be the most inspirational or noble things a person can do but to me it is about doing what I said I would do. 
Lets face it, if one brags about doing stuff, then one better stand up to the plate.  It also broke a pattern for me.  Walking to Sydney was more about the fulfilment of the task ahead and seeing it through.  I just had to see it through.  I just had to break a way of thinking I have gotten so used to for so long and I am proud of myself for doing it.  In fact I have to pinch myself to even believe it sometimes.
Now it is time to get back to it.  Today I went back to it.  I said I wanted to do it for my birthday.  It is only 8 - 10 weeks  till I am 44 and I have to get back to my training.  I will see it through.  I didn't get to Sydney the last time.  I fell short 5-8 klms, so I have to finish the job.  Just watch me.  There are too many things on my bucket list and I have too many eyes upon me to give up now.  So my birthday is on a Friday and I want to celebrate my birthday and my achievement for finishing the task.  Again I invite you on my journey.  For all the people who read this blog (all 5 of you hehehehe) please come with me again.  It was a real buzz having you encourage me by you reading what I have written and I feel I had the world with me.
love you all
Lizz

I did it...well almost...

I did it!  Yes yesterday at 5.30 am, I set out to walk to Sydney.  Since I had put it out there I felt I had to fulfil what I set out to do.  Now there was only so much I could do.  My body and it's weight, the weather and just the general distance (37klm) were all factors I could have used to deter me from the walk.  How ever I felt a responsiblity to see this one through.  I wasn't even sure what to expect even though I have driven this road many times.  And I will say Parramatta Road is so very long.  Just when you think it's almost over and you've come to the end, more road pop up and the end seems so far away.
Well I got to walk 30klms, which is a fair way.  I am proud of myself because I went as far as my body would take me, until I had nothing left.  Plus I did what I said I would do. 
Even people I know who are fit and could walk my distance in good time have said that they wouldn't do it because of the distance.  What the walk has done for me has shown me I can do what I set out to do.
One of my friends SMS'd me this morning to say she would do it with me next time.  Since yesterday, I may have to re access this walk altogether but I will give it a go for the next time.  I will be fitter and lighter and more prepared. This walk has shown me, I can push through and do the stuff I so hesitantly avoid.  It has also shown me I am unstopable when I put my mind to it!!!  Now nothing will stop me...only me...and I think I might push 'me' out the way because I've got things I need to do.