I am writing this at 9.10 am on Janurary 1, 2013, so whomever reads this blog might still be in 2012. The year has gone fast so quickly that I have to think about what I have acheived over the past year. Where was I and how has 2012 changed me or not changed me.
The low for me was my recovery from ankle surgery. I was completely nieve to think it would go smoothly. I was depressed and probably at my lowest. Not only did I feel, I would never get over something so trivial in some respects but the pain and the ankle in no better, in fact it is worse than before I had the op. It has taken me a good 12 months to feel I am somewhat normal again.
The highlight for me was meeting 2 of the most remarkable men from Nigeria. They are bible college students. They came to church with their Australian lecturer and were grateful for the Aussie experience but showed me I have yet to learn what real 'Grace of God' means. They face the uncertainty of death, loss of family, home and income from the countries many internal wars and they face poverty every day. I was given a lesson in my own lack of knowing the true Grace of God. I will never know in this world what it is like to feel unsafe in my own country and the problems they face on a day to day basis.
After hearing them speak I got to meet them and I said Thank you. My faith changed that day and I was burdened to put my faith into action. I said to God, 'if I had money I would give it to them for their learning and their families'. Then I remembered I had $100 in my bank which I was saving for France. I had to put what God had placed in my heart into action or it is just words, it is just a thought, it is just a matter of fact attitude. It seemed to set the tone for me for the year and the woes of my ankle seemed to fade. Now I have to believe that by putting God's challenge into action, He has restored something in me that will continue for a long time to come. And I have to believe what I could give them in a small way will have a much bigger purpose for them and their families.
I was going to write more but I am thinking I will finish it here except to say, I have my very low and my very high. What more could I possible want in life. God helped me see, my perception of what I view is bad is non to compare with the many other in this world who face conflict every day. Really my year has been a breeze and I am grateful for everyday and I can't wait to see what 2013 has in store.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Disappointed and somewhat numb..
It's a funny thing disappointment. I comes in all shapes and sizes. It comes in emotional, physical and mental. Disappointment can come through missing out on the things we have strived for, this happened when I missed out on funding for my play, it can come when we miss out on tickets to a favourite show or just in life generally. People can disappoint us all the time too. The worst for me is if I disappoint myself, but at this moment, it is disappointment by others.
This walk I am doing on the 4th is slowly becoming a bit of a disappointment. I thought it had been arranged for the family to meet me in the city so we could stay there and take the girls around to the attractions around the city. But this seems like an unlikely happening. In someway I feel a little betrayed. I am not just disappointed, I am sad. Sad because I thought it had all been worked out and it would have been a lovely time for the girls and I am disappointed because I was looking forward to it too.
It would have been nice to walk into a lovely airconditioned room, slumped on the bed and found the spa to help me recover from the big 30 plus walk. And to also not have to worry about anything normal for at least one night and then get up to have a massage to get rid of all the aches and pains.
Now it is been rearanged, I walk and make my own way home. No meeting me in the city, no relaxing with the family and no one to celebrate the my achievement of my walk. Looks like its the bus home for me and that is it. In someway I feel the support has been taken away and I am left to do this all by myself. In fact I am not just disappointed but feeling numb as well and also a little pissed!
This walk I am doing on the 4th is slowly becoming a bit of a disappointment. I thought it had been arranged for the family to meet me in the city so we could stay there and take the girls around to the attractions around the city. But this seems like an unlikely happening. In someway I feel a little betrayed. I am not just disappointed, I am sad. Sad because I thought it had all been worked out and it would have been a lovely time for the girls and I am disappointed because I was looking forward to it too.
It would have been nice to walk into a lovely airconditioned room, slumped on the bed and found the spa to help me recover from the big 30 plus walk. And to also not have to worry about anything normal for at least one night and then get up to have a massage to get rid of all the aches and pains.
Now it is been rearanged, I walk and make my own way home. No meeting me in the city, no relaxing with the family and no one to celebrate the my achievement of my walk. Looks like its the bus home for me and that is it. In someway I feel the support has been taken away and I am left to do this all by myself. In fact I am not just disappointed but feeling numb as well and also a little pissed!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
It's simple really...
There is a formular which hardly takes brain surgery to figure out. It goes something like this, 'Life goes on'.
It's not rocket science, nor does one have to move to Indian to find the answer to life's quest or questions.
No matter how many disappointments I get in life or how much joy I receive or how many good days or how many bad days, 'Life goes on'...and it will continue that way whether I am here or not. Most things are just temperary anyway, so what is the use of letting things cloud my thinking or stop me from going anywhere in this life, 'Life goes on'. It has always and will always continue to do so. Quite simple really.
It's not rocket science, nor does one have to move to Indian to find the answer to life's quest or questions.
No matter how many disappointments I get in life or how much joy I receive or how many good days or how many bad days, 'Life goes on'...and it will continue that way whether I am here or not. Most things are just temperary anyway, so what is the use of letting things cloud my thinking or stop me from going anywhere in this life, 'Life goes on'. It has always and will always continue to do so. Quite simple really.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Deflated but not defeated..
The last 2 days have been quite interesting. It has been a total up and down experience for me. I feel so exhausted by it all.
Yesterday was more of a physical deflation. I went to the shop to do my shopping for christmas, as one does, and while shopping and looking around, a candle from the top shelf fell on my head. I wasn't knocked over but I had the wind taken out of me, plus it hurt like hell. When paying for my goods, I told the sales guy what had happened but I doubt it will be relayed back to the superviser. I have a suspicion if I go in there again, the candles will still be on the top shelf and nothing would have changed.
Then the next thing was spilling very hot coffee on myself, burning me and staining my shirt. I was thinking, 'What a morning I am having'! The good thing was, I had a hair appointment and it was a wonderful distraction to what started out as quite an ordinary, physically demanding day.
Today has had it's own set of deflation. In someway I feel what I am feeling is quite trivial and I am making such a big deal of the situation. Then again, it is what I am feeling and that is important too.
Earlier this year I was cast in a short movie and I was so excited someone had thought I was the right person to fulfil this character. I've been antisipating seening myself on the big/small screen in this roll. I got my invite and found out, they have cut me from the film. Although I know the process of how the business works, I am no less disappointed with the outcome. It was a small production and I know the director feels bad having to cut me from the film. She was very apologetic. I get that. That's show bizz! Still I am left with a sense of disappointment. I am probably being a big baby. I am continually faced with my own delema. Am I really made for the arts? Or is the arts made for me? Do I have the presence and the face for the camera? Or do I just suck at acting?
For so long in my entire life I have done nothing but dream I will be an actor/writer and work in the industry. Have I just been kidding myself? I will feel differently in the morning, I am sure. What a difference 24 hours makes but I am still feeling deflated.
I am a mum and I also feel it is important to be the example to my children. If they see their mum achieve a dream, then they also will be drawn to a dream and hopefully succeed at it. Here's the rub though, if I am not even achieving the little things then what am I ment to be doing?
I am only venting, so it will become clear to me when I have stopped being so emotional. It just hurts though! I am not sure I know what to do from now on.
A couple of years ago, I remember praying out loud talking to God and I said to Him, 'Is there noone who thinks I can act?' My agent I feel, is the only one who has faith and confidence in me. He has been successfull at getting me some work and casting me in a production. I don't want to continually doubt my own ability. Many times I have been reasurred this is not the case but I can't call myself an actor if I am not acting.
That's why I have decided to write my own work. I have a play coming up in the new year and it's a good play. I am one of the characters. Deciding to write my own jobs was a way I could continually be in the industry. I still love the arts. However there is only so much confidence I can have in my own work.
As I said before, I am venting and tomorrow will be a different day. I may be deflated but I can't give up any dream of success in the arts industry. I'm sure someone out there will see that I can do the work. I'm not after the Hollywood experience as such, I just want to be saying to myself that I did a good job and I am worth the work. Sometimes though I feel like I am running on empty and I am using up all my emotional, mental and physical resourses to convince myself I can do it.
Maybe this will build character. I am hoping because at this moment, my character has had a blow. And I feel pretty low. There is only so many times I can tell myself I am in the right direction. That is why I can say, 'it is not impossible'. Let's hope I will continue to feel that way and things I would not expect come my way.
Yesterday was more of a physical deflation. I went to the shop to do my shopping for christmas, as one does, and while shopping and looking around, a candle from the top shelf fell on my head. I wasn't knocked over but I had the wind taken out of me, plus it hurt like hell. When paying for my goods, I told the sales guy what had happened but I doubt it will be relayed back to the superviser. I have a suspicion if I go in there again, the candles will still be on the top shelf and nothing would have changed.
Then the next thing was spilling very hot coffee on myself, burning me and staining my shirt. I was thinking, 'What a morning I am having'! The good thing was, I had a hair appointment and it was a wonderful distraction to what started out as quite an ordinary, physically demanding day.
Today has had it's own set of deflation. In someway I feel what I am feeling is quite trivial and I am making such a big deal of the situation. Then again, it is what I am feeling and that is important too.
Earlier this year I was cast in a short movie and I was so excited someone had thought I was the right person to fulfil this character. I've been antisipating seening myself on the big/small screen in this roll. I got my invite and found out, they have cut me from the film. Although I know the process of how the business works, I am no less disappointed with the outcome. It was a small production and I know the director feels bad having to cut me from the film. She was very apologetic. I get that. That's show bizz! Still I am left with a sense of disappointment. I am probably being a big baby. I am continually faced with my own delema. Am I really made for the arts? Or is the arts made for me? Do I have the presence and the face for the camera? Or do I just suck at acting?
For so long in my entire life I have done nothing but dream I will be an actor/writer and work in the industry. Have I just been kidding myself? I will feel differently in the morning, I am sure. What a difference 24 hours makes but I am still feeling deflated.
I am a mum and I also feel it is important to be the example to my children. If they see their mum achieve a dream, then they also will be drawn to a dream and hopefully succeed at it. Here's the rub though, if I am not even achieving the little things then what am I ment to be doing?
I am only venting, so it will become clear to me when I have stopped being so emotional. It just hurts though! I am not sure I know what to do from now on.
A couple of years ago, I remember praying out loud talking to God and I said to Him, 'Is there noone who thinks I can act?' My agent I feel, is the only one who has faith and confidence in me. He has been successfull at getting me some work and casting me in a production. I don't want to continually doubt my own ability. Many times I have been reasurred this is not the case but I can't call myself an actor if I am not acting.
That's why I have decided to write my own work. I have a play coming up in the new year and it's a good play. I am one of the characters. Deciding to write my own jobs was a way I could continually be in the industry. I still love the arts. However there is only so much confidence I can have in my own work.
As I said before, I am venting and tomorrow will be a different day. I may be deflated but I can't give up any dream of success in the arts industry. I'm sure someone out there will see that I can do the work. I'm not after the Hollywood experience as such, I just want to be saying to myself that I did a good job and I am worth the work. Sometimes though I feel like I am running on empty and I am using up all my emotional, mental and physical resourses to convince myself I can do it.
Maybe this will build character. I am hoping because at this moment, my character has had a blow. And I feel pretty low. There is only so many times I can tell myself I am in the right direction. That is why I can say, 'it is not impossible'. Let's hope I will continue to feel that way and things I would not expect come my way.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Physical pain is only temperary
Right this moment my back hurts, my ankle hurts and so does my knee. The walk I did this morning was 12 klms and I felt my hamstring tighten up. I could feel a blister form on the soul of my foot and the shoes I was wearing started to irritate me.
All of this seems good reason to stop and find something else to do but I am reminded how much the physical pain is only temperary, it fades. What doesn't fade is the emotional pain, the mental pain. I can't stop going for my bucket list now because that pain will be far worse if I stop or give up my endevour to train for my big walk to Sydney. The pain of what I will feel like if I literary walk away from this aim for not only walking to Sydney but getting fit and losing weight while I strive for this bucket list I have set myself. I will also lose my own self-respect and I can tell you now, I will never be able to look at myself in the mirror again and I will never be able to show my daughters how important it is to keep going no matter how hard or how long it takes to fulfil what you set out to do...that I think is the worst pain.
All of this seems good reason to stop and find something else to do but I am reminded how much the physical pain is only temperary, it fades. What doesn't fade is the emotional pain, the mental pain. I can't stop going for my bucket list now because that pain will be far worse if I stop or give up my endevour to train for my big walk to Sydney. The pain of what I will feel like if I literary walk away from this aim for not only walking to Sydney but getting fit and losing weight while I strive for this bucket list I have set myself. I will also lose my own self-respect and I can tell you now, I will never be able to look at myself in the mirror again and I will never be able to show my daughters how important it is to keep going no matter how hard or how long it takes to fulfil what you set out to do...that I think is the worst pain.
Monday, November 5, 2012
It's getting away from me...Time..
I am only 2 months out from my walk and I haven't done much walking. The last couple of weeks have gone so fast and I can't see it slowing down.
This week I had a big assignment to fill out, so it took up all my time and this week, it's the flu. I'm getting rather nervous I won't make it. However as unprepared as I may be the walk will go ahead. It's on the list so it's going to be done, just watch me.
This week I had a big assignment to fill out, so it took up all my time and this week, it's the flu. I'm getting rather nervous I won't make it. However as unprepared as I may be the walk will go ahead. It's on the list so it's going to be done, just watch me.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Too many people...
There is part of me that feels too many people know I want to walk to Sydney. I feel, if I let too many people know and I don't go through with the walk, I will be left feeling open to those comments people tend to keep to themselves and having a reinforced opinion about me.
Maybe I am being too hard on people, maybe if I don't go, I just have to suck it up and move on. I don't want to do that though, I want to walk to Sydney and then if I don't do the second leg of my walk (April), I will have nothing to prove because I would have already done my walk in January.
Even though January is still some time a way, I feel it is all creeping up on me and I don't have much longer before it is here. I've got a lot of distance to travel inbetween now and then.
I am feeling a little low today. A sense of being overwhelmed too. I don't think I've set the bar too high. Really I've just got to go for it and believe I am better for it.
Anyway, my husband thinks there is already a lot of people that know of my intention to walk. He thinks I will be a talking point on facebook and the like. I beg to differ in someway. I don't think what I am doing is all that important or unique. People have better things to do than place me in their conversation. The people walking for a cause, they are important to focus on. Me I am just walking to Sydney because I put it on my bucket list and because it is there. Not really that remarkable. Although, I might feel a little different come April next year.
Maybe I am being too hard on people, maybe if I don't go, I just have to suck it up and move on. I don't want to do that though, I want to walk to Sydney and then if I don't do the second leg of my walk (April), I will have nothing to prove because I would have already done my walk in January.
Even though January is still some time a way, I feel it is all creeping up on me and I don't have much longer before it is here. I've got a lot of distance to travel inbetween now and then.
I am feeling a little low today. A sense of being overwhelmed too. I don't think I've set the bar too high. Really I've just got to go for it and believe I am better for it.
Anyway, my husband thinks there is already a lot of people that know of my intention to walk. He thinks I will be a talking point on facebook and the like. I beg to differ in someway. I don't think what I am doing is all that important or unique. People have better things to do than place me in their conversation. The people walking for a cause, they are important to focus on. Me I am just walking to Sydney because I put it on my bucket list and because it is there. Not really that remarkable. Although, I might feel a little different come April next year.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Julia, I no longer blame you...
Just looking at the title of my blog. I've come a long way from my beginnings of Julia. No longer am I waiting for something to happen but I am making it happen.
I understand why I started the 'Nothing' theory. My head was so full of traffic, I found it in some way crippling. It is a lot of hard work trying to sort out what noise to listen to and what noise to ignore. However it is also a lot of work to deal with watching it all go by and waiting for something to happen.
Julia is still a part of it all. If it wasn't for that wonderful movie (Julia and Julia) and the conviction of the character doing something about how she felt with her writing and starting investing in her passion (writing, then cooking), she would have missed her chance to make a difference to herself and to what she loved doing. She would have missed what made her heart sing. Julia would have also missed finding out something remarkable about herself. I want to be remarkable. To me, then to my family and my daughters. Because I want them to know they also can be remarkable.
So where does this leave me and my theory and what started it all. Well I am changing the 'Nothing' theory to 'Something' theory. No one ever accomplished anything by doing nothing. Look at people like Oprah. Bet she never said to herself, 'I am just gonna wait till something happens, so I am going to do nothing for now'. I no longer want to wait! I am sick of waiting my turn! I will aspire to do that bucket list and go for what my heart sings.
On that note, I am off to do 'something' and I am on my way to Sydney!
I understand why I started the 'Nothing' theory. My head was so full of traffic, I found it in some way crippling. It is a lot of hard work trying to sort out what noise to listen to and what noise to ignore. However it is also a lot of work to deal with watching it all go by and waiting for something to happen.
Julia is still a part of it all. If it wasn't for that wonderful movie (Julia and Julia) and the conviction of the character doing something about how she felt with her writing and starting investing in her passion (writing, then cooking), she would have missed her chance to make a difference to herself and to what she loved doing. She would have missed what made her heart sing. Julia would have also missed finding out something remarkable about herself. I want to be remarkable. To me, then to my family and my daughters. Because I want them to know they also can be remarkable.
So where does this leave me and my theory and what started it all. Well I am changing the 'Nothing' theory to 'Something' theory. No one ever accomplished anything by doing nothing. Look at people like Oprah. Bet she never said to herself, 'I am just gonna wait till something happens, so I am going to do nothing for now'. I no longer want to wait! I am sick of waiting my turn! I will aspire to do that bucket list and go for what my heart sings.
On that note, I am off to do 'something' and I am on my way to Sydney!
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Time is ticking..
It's 14 days since I began my venture into the bucket list. The thing which is on my mind most of the time is my walk to Sydney. Even though it is only day 14 I already feel time is ticking on and I feel I haven't really that much time to achieve it.
One of my goals in walking to Sydney was keep my cards close to my chest so I have myself to answer to. And there's the fear of me not actually doing the walk after I have told the world. This is why I did'nt tell to many people. Now there is a few more people who know besides your good selves (all of America and Alaska hehehe).
My good husband told a friend at dinner the other day. I just cringed because I know what was coming next, 'Why do you want to do that'? My reply of course was, 'because it's there'. The other side of the coin is, I am more determined to get it done because let's face it, no one (especially myself) wants to be judged.
Yesterday after a couple of Champangnes I also told a couple of trusted friends. I could hear myself telling me, 'DON'T' but when you're tipsy, honesty always shows itself in some form. Again I was asked why and I told them my goal. Then something I didn't expect, 'I'll do it with you'. Wow!!
A very encouraging response because it again concretes me doing what I set out to do and it make me really want to focus on every aspect of this journey.
It concretes how much I have to also get not just my fitness right but the fuel to get me there right. I have to be on top of my eating and my exercise or I will not make it. If I am not prepared to eat according to my training then I will be one fat, sore, exhausted and possible injured indiviual in January 4 and on the 10th of April.
It's all very surreal though. I can't believe I am setting myself up for something. Is it failure or success? Maybe it's all good and it is a matter of how I look at it. It is just a walk after all and I am just going for a walk one day in January and one day in April. Anything thing in between is not really important.
One of my goals in walking to Sydney was keep my cards close to my chest so I have myself to answer to. And there's the fear of me not actually doing the walk after I have told the world. This is why I did'nt tell to many people. Now there is a few more people who know besides your good selves (all of America and Alaska hehehe).
My good husband told a friend at dinner the other day. I just cringed because I know what was coming next, 'Why do you want to do that'? My reply of course was, 'because it's there'. The other side of the coin is, I am more determined to get it done because let's face it, no one (especially myself) wants to be judged.
Yesterday after a couple of Champangnes I also told a couple of trusted friends. I could hear myself telling me, 'DON'T' but when you're tipsy, honesty always shows itself in some form. Again I was asked why and I told them my goal. Then something I didn't expect, 'I'll do it with you'. Wow!!
A very encouraging response because it again concretes me doing what I set out to do and it make me really want to focus on every aspect of this journey.
It concretes how much I have to also get not just my fitness right but the fuel to get me there right. I have to be on top of my eating and my exercise or I will not make it. If I am not prepared to eat according to my training then I will be one fat, sore, exhausted and possible injured indiviual in January 4 and on the 10th of April.
It's all very surreal though. I can't believe I am setting myself up for something. Is it failure or success? Maybe it's all good and it is a matter of how I look at it. It is just a walk after all and I am just going for a walk one day in January and one day in April. Anything thing in between is not really important.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
It's all so quiet.
I'm sitting in my dining room thinking about a lot of things. It's all so quiet. I can hear distant traffic from the building of an estate down the road. There is a plane which is just going over head. Lots of plane traffic in Sydney. I don't live that close to the airport but we still get the traffic from it. Sometimes the planes are so close, I can make out how big they are and which airline it is.
The wind is beginning to pick up and I can hear how strong it is even though it has just started to bring in the southerly. However the breeze is still hot and stifling. I was going to start spraying weed killer but it wouldn't be safe and in the cool change is bringing some rain. A relief to this hot day.
My mind is forever now thinking of my training for my walk to Sydney. It seems to be all I think about now. I'm feeling very excited that I am aiming for this walk and everything I do at this moment in time is focussed on Jan 4 and April 11. Yet there is still so much to do. I'm not ever close to accomplishing it.
My ankle is starting to ache and there is part of me that worries how my ankle will cope with all the training. Also my knee are not doing the best either. Yet I feel, if I let the pain and discomfort of my joints dictate how I should cope, then I will never see this bucket list through. I don't think I've ever been this focussed on anything!
The quiet in the house is so loud. My girls are at Vacation care doing some really fun stuff and I am here by myself. Looking around I have so much to do. The kitchen needs cleaning, dishes to be done. I have sticky floors from daughter 2 spilling cordial or an ice block she was eating yesterday evening. I only noticed it this morning but didn't have time to deal with it.
I think it's so weird how loud quiet can be. Yet in my time by myself with all this quiet, it is strange. Being alone with no noise from, TV or radio or CD doesn't make it easier to do anything because I still have to sort out or prioritise what I need to do, even though it stares me in the face. My lounge room is a mess. The dining room table is a clutter with all sorts of crap and I have washing to do...blah blah blah.
A long time ago before I was married, I lived by myself and after church one day I walked in to my tiny little appartment to silience. It overwhelmed me so much and I burst into tears. I prayed God to give me someone to come home to, I wanted noise. WHAT WAS I THINKING! Now I ache sometimes for the quiet but when I have it, like today, I feel there is something missing. I've just got to laugh at myself. That must be an irony? Isn't it?
In the quiet I am also thinking of other stuff on my bucket list and I feel I should at least write down some of the things down so you will know what else I am intending to do.
For a start I have written a play and it is being performed next year, which I am so looking forward to but on my bucket list, I have put, I wish to write 2 more plays and to perform in them. I kind of feel if I'm not getting acting work, then I need to create work for myself.
I will give you 10 more things I have put on my bucket list. Like I said before, I may not achieve all of them or some of them might be rather unrealistic but I have nothing to lose. It is not a race and my life won't end if I miss a few. One thing however I fear most about life, is not change but I fear staying the same. That is probably my greatest fear with in myself. Therefore I am willing to put the most over the top thing on my bucket list.
OK so you know No1..Walking to Sydney in a day. I have added walking home as well.
2. Learn to speak french fluently, 3. Go to Europe for 6 weeks, 4. Lose 30 Kgm, 6. Save $100,00 and give$100,00, 5 Participate in a bike ride fundraiser, 6. Do a tour of my play around Australia, 7. Do a missions trek in Bolivia, 8. Read the Bible through 4x, 9. Be cast in a period piece in the UK, 10. Go on a wine tour with my husband around Australia and finally; for now (I have 54 items on my bucket list)...on my wall in the dining room, I have 2 pictures of 2 different cafe in Paris. When I saw them for the first time, I emotionally connected with them. I started to cry when I looked at them, they moved me that much. Well, I want to sit at the cafes. I want to be the person in those pictures and sit and have a latte and be a part of that picture that I felt emotional about.
If I never so anything else but do the walk to Sydney and sit at those Cafes then I have succeeded and I will have given myself and my daughters something to aim for in life...to dream and never give up on any dream.
The wind is beginning to pick up and I can hear how strong it is even though it has just started to bring in the southerly. However the breeze is still hot and stifling. I was going to start spraying weed killer but it wouldn't be safe and in the cool change is bringing some rain. A relief to this hot day.
My mind is forever now thinking of my training for my walk to Sydney. It seems to be all I think about now. I'm feeling very excited that I am aiming for this walk and everything I do at this moment in time is focussed on Jan 4 and April 11. Yet there is still so much to do. I'm not ever close to accomplishing it.
My ankle is starting to ache and there is part of me that worries how my ankle will cope with all the training. Also my knee are not doing the best either. Yet I feel, if I let the pain and discomfort of my joints dictate how I should cope, then I will never see this bucket list through. I don't think I've ever been this focussed on anything!
The quiet in the house is so loud. My girls are at Vacation care doing some really fun stuff and I am here by myself. Looking around I have so much to do. The kitchen needs cleaning, dishes to be done. I have sticky floors from daughter 2 spilling cordial or an ice block she was eating yesterday evening. I only noticed it this morning but didn't have time to deal with it.
I think it's so weird how loud quiet can be. Yet in my time by myself with all this quiet, it is strange. Being alone with no noise from, TV or radio or CD doesn't make it easier to do anything because I still have to sort out or prioritise what I need to do, even though it stares me in the face. My lounge room is a mess. The dining room table is a clutter with all sorts of crap and I have washing to do...blah blah blah.
A long time ago before I was married, I lived by myself and after church one day I walked in to my tiny little appartment to silience. It overwhelmed me so much and I burst into tears. I prayed God to give me someone to come home to, I wanted noise. WHAT WAS I THINKING! Now I ache sometimes for the quiet but when I have it, like today, I feel there is something missing. I've just got to laugh at myself. That must be an irony? Isn't it?
In the quiet I am also thinking of other stuff on my bucket list and I feel I should at least write down some of the things down so you will know what else I am intending to do.
For a start I have written a play and it is being performed next year, which I am so looking forward to but on my bucket list, I have put, I wish to write 2 more plays and to perform in them. I kind of feel if I'm not getting acting work, then I need to create work for myself.
I will give you 10 more things I have put on my bucket list. Like I said before, I may not achieve all of them or some of them might be rather unrealistic but I have nothing to lose. It is not a race and my life won't end if I miss a few. One thing however I fear most about life, is not change but I fear staying the same. That is probably my greatest fear with in myself. Therefore I am willing to put the most over the top thing on my bucket list.
OK so you know No1..Walking to Sydney in a day. I have added walking home as well.
2. Learn to speak french fluently, 3. Go to Europe for 6 weeks, 4. Lose 30 Kgm, 6. Save $100,00 and give$100,00, 5 Participate in a bike ride fundraiser, 6. Do a tour of my play around Australia, 7. Do a missions trek in Bolivia, 8. Read the Bible through 4x, 9. Be cast in a period piece in the UK, 10. Go on a wine tour with my husband around Australia and finally; for now (I have 54 items on my bucket list)...on my wall in the dining room, I have 2 pictures of 2 different cafe in Paris. When I saw them for the first time, I emotionally connected with them. I started to cry when I looked at them, they moved me that much. Well, I want to sit at the cafes. I want to be the person in those pictures and sit and have a latte and be a part of that picture that I felt emotional about.
If I never so anything else but do the walk to Sydney and sit at those Cafes then I have succeeded and I will have given myself and my daughters something to aim for in life...to dream and never give up on any dream.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
About that...
Why do I find technology so hard...tried to post video and didn't have much luck..will keep trying so hold on to your hats, I will get it going but just not now. I am sure I will figure it out. Hopefully not too long.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Did I mention...?
Monday, October 1, 2012
It's gonna be a long ride.
Day 2 and I am sore! My back, my ankle, my knees. I know it is not going to be an easy ride. It has only just began but I am going to see this through. Sydney here I come.
Today was on the exercise bike. I kept looking at myself in the mirror and saw every lump and bump, so I know I have my work cut out for me. My weight will effect my performance but I am prepared for that.
I do worry how my ankle and knees will hold out but if I don't continue going, they will get worse and I can't afford that, not physically, not mental or emotionally and definately not finacially. If I have to have another operation on my joints I will slide to a low place and I never want to go there ever again!!! So I have pain, get over it and get on with it I say.
Here's to tomorrow. Another day closer to Sydney, another day closer to completing the bucket list. Yes it will be a long ride but in the end I would have done it!
Today was on the exercise bike. I kept looking at myself in the mirror and saw every lump and bump, so I know I have my work cut out for me. My weight will effect my performance but I am prepared for that.
I do worry how my ankle and knees will hold out but if I don't continue going, they will get worse and I can't afford that, not physically, not mental or emotionally and definately not finacially. If I have to have another operation on my joints I will slide to a low place and I never want to go there ever again!!! So I have pain, get over it and get on with it I say.
Here's to tomorrow. Another day closer to Sydney, another day closer to completing the bucket list. Yes it will be a long ride but in the end I would have done it!
The Bucket list
As cliche as it sounds, I started my bucket list yesterday. It is quite impressive (in my opinion). Being only 6years and 6 months till I am 50 I thought I better get a move on. In fact I think I am more concerned about it being 6 months till I turn 44 than the whole 50 senario.
Some of the things on the list might be a little unrealistic but I'm willing to give it a good go. I might not even get them done until I am 60 but for me it's about doing something about how I am feeling. I yet to achieve so much. Nothing I can say my daughter can use as example. It's so important for me to know my daughters had a good example while growing up. A lot of what I want to do in life is for my girls to see, 'if mum went for her dreams, then I can'.
One thing on my bucket list is, walking to Sydney from Kellyville in 1 day. That may not be much to some people but if you are familiar with Sydney, it is by no means and easy feat. It is 40 klm or 24.85 miles. I can't say why I thought this would even be worthy of any things to do but there is is. I am walking to Sydney! Not just that though, I am walking there and then turning around and walking back home.
'Why would you want to do that'? I hear you ask. 'That's what public transport is for', I also hear you say. Well not for any particular reason. Not because I want to be fit or because I need to lose 25-30 kg or 70lbs, not for a charity or a cause but because it's there. It's kind of like the bear and the mountain. "Why did the bear climb the mountain? Because it's there". Maybe this will spark in me lots of things I never thought I could do and make all the other things I want to do seem so much easier to achieve. Plus I feel I want to do something, anything!
I do want to do a charity walk or race or things on those lines but not until I have shown myself my level of commitment. It is so important for me to do this! I put it out there to my husband and daughters, now I have to follow through.
My goal is not to tell too many people about my intension. I feel if I tell everyone about me walking to Sydney, if I fail to follow through, I am open to well meaning comments of 'Oh well, not too worry, you did try'. I want to expect more from myself and do it! Why if I don't want everyone to know do I put it on my blog? The good thing is the people that read my blog are about 7 people and I don't know them. Oh yeah, thanks for reading my blog to those that read my blog.
Yesterday I started. I thought if I am going to do this then I need to start. Yes, I have till I am 50 but I wanted to do it now. Plus I don't want to be nearly 50 before I decide to get it done.
So it begins!! On 4 Jan 2013 I will be walking to Sydney.
My training consists of a gradual progression of distance so I will build stamina and strength. It is not a race. I don't need to prove to any one I am the fittest or the fastest but I just have to maintain a good walking speed and try to cut time in my walking so I will make good time in getting to Sydney. Every 3 weeks I will also increase the distance of walking. I don't want to spend 12 or 14 hours walking so a gradual progression will help my body cope with the demand on my body. I will record my progress everytime and hopefully my time will get better the more I walk. Also I will be getting fit by riding my bike and using my home gym to increase the strength in my legs.
The distance I covered yesterday was 7.2klm or 4.3m and I made it in 1 hr 40 mins, my next walk training will be on Saturday and inbetween then it will be riding. My goal is to shave about a 5 minutes of my time. My ultimate goal is to walk to Sydney and then a return walk on the 11 April with in 24 hours and then celebrate my achievement at the Castle Hill RSL on the 12th of April for my 44th birthday.
Will you stay with me and follow my progress? It will be cool to have you come along on this ride. Who knows maybe you can do something amazing for your own bucket list.
love lizz
Some of the things on the list might be a little unrealistic but I'm willing to give it a good go. I might not even get them done until I am 60 but for me it's about doing something about how I am feeling. I yet to achieve so much. Nothing I can say my daughter can use as example. It's so important for me to know my daughters had a good example while growing up. A lot of what I want to do in life is for my girls to see, 'if mum went for her dreams, then I can'.
One thing on my bucket list is, walking to Sydney from Kellyville in 1 day. That may not be much to some people but if you are familiar with Sydney, it is by no means and easy feat. It is 40 klm or 24.85 miles. I can't say why I thought this would even be worthy of any things to do but there is is. I am walking to Sydney! Not just that though, I am walking there and then turning around and walking back home.
'Why would you want to do that'? I hear you ask. 'That's what public transport is for', I also hear you say. Well not for any particular reason. Not because I want to be fit or because I need to lose 25-30 kg or 70lbs, not for a charity or a cause but because it's there. It's kind of like the bear and the mountain. "Why did the bear climb the mountain? Because it's there". Maybe this will spark in me lots of things I never thought I could do and make all the other things I want to do seem so much easier to achieve. Plus I feel I want to do something, anything!
I do want to do a charity walk or race or things on those lines but not until I have shown myself my level of commitment. It is so important for me to do this! I put it out there to my husband and daughters, now I have to follow through.
My goal is not to tell too many people about my intension. I feel if I tell everyone about me walking to Sydney, if I fail to follow through, I am open to well meaning comments of 'Oh well, not too worry, you did try'. I want to expect more from myself and do it! Why if I don't want everyone to know do I put it on my blog? The good thing is the people that read my blog are about 7 people and I don't know them. Oh yeah, thanks for reading my blog to those that read my blog.
Yesterday I started. I thought if I am going to do this then I need to start. Yes, I have till I am 50 but I wanted to do it now. Plus I don't want to be nearly 50 before I decide to get it done.
So it begins!! On 4 Jan 2013 I will be walking to Sydney.
My training consists of a gradual progression of distance so I will build stamina and strength. It is not a race. I don't need to prove to any one I am the fittest or the fastest but I just have to maintain a good walking speed and try to cut time in my walking so I will make good time in getting to Sydney. Every 3 weeks I will also increase the distance of walking. I don't want to spend 12 or 14 hours walking so a gradual progression will help my body cope with the demand on my body. I will record my progress everytime and hopefully my time will get better the more I walk. Also I will be getting fit by riding my bike and using my home gym to increase the strength in my legs.
The distance I covered yesterday was 7.2klm or 4.3m and I made it in 1 hr 40 mins, my next walk training will be on Saturday and inbetween then it will be riding. My goal is to shave about a 5 minutes of my time. My ultimate goal is to walk to Sydney and then a return walk on the 11 April with in 24 hours and then celebrate my achievement at the Castle Hill RSL on the 12th of April for my 44th birthday.
Will you stay with me and follow my progress? It will be cool to have you come along on this ride. Who knows maybe you can do something amazing for your own bucket list.
love lizz
Monday, September 10, 2012
Sometimes
Sometimes it gets all too much for me. I feel the blanket upon my head and the feeling of being wrapped up, unable to move or change the mood. It such a tangible feeling, the sadness. Not so sad that there is no solution or way out, just enough to stop me in my tracks, keeping me down, unable to get up.
Sometimes I just want to tell people I am not happy but feel like it's not a subject easy to bring up, so I just allow what I am feeling to take some control of me. If I could just sleep it off, I would, but the sensation stays with me once I've woken and it doesn't solve anything.
Sometimes I want to be pissed off and be allow to be pissed off! I'm just such a nice girl though. No one would cope with the nice girl in a bad mood or sad or indifferent mood. And to be pissed off also means I would distance myself. The subject is off limits. People would never let me show or say what I am really thinking anyway. People don't seem to understand or cope with the nice people venting. They certainly don't let me. Or maybe I don't give them the opportunity. I am not saying they would be offended but if I stand up for myself, it's like I became alien to them. I just want to tell them, 'it's nothing personal but you have to let me be upset some of the time. You have to let me be something other than nice and ammicable. Just because I stand up for myself or show my frustration, it is not about you, it's about me. Allow me to speak my mind and voice my feelings'. How do you bring up the subject of, 'I'm not doing great and I feel...'?
Sometimes I want to yell and scream, kick or punch something. Sometimes I want to 'not' care what people think or act toward me. Like Tom Cruise in 'Risky Business' when he says," 'sometimes you've just got to say, 'F..... em'".
I did though. Not the 'F.... em' but the yelling and the screaming. I couldn't believe how much emotion was inside of me. I was driving home from the shops. 'Counting the beat' came on the radio. At once I turned up the radio as loud as I could and yelled and screamed and sang as aggressively as I could, just to get out what I was feeling. I felt like I could have continued to rage but after the song had finished, I turned the radio off and drove in silence. It was ment to make me feel better but I think I am as numb as I was before. I did of course drive responibly but I was wild!
If I could pin point what sets this mood off, I would say it was loneliness. Today I realise, I have always been alonley person. Not that I am lacking company. Rememeber, I am a nice girl, a likable girl. I make friends easy and I do have amazing friends. Friends I would never give up and friends I give my life for. Also I have a wonderful family. Next to my belief in Christ and My heavenly Father, my family are my very soul and heart of my being, so I am not without loving company and I return that love. My loneliness is the sense of meloncholy and somehow tragic. It may be a little dramatic but I have always had it within me. Maybe that is the artist within? To which I am not afraid of my loneliness or being alone. I have become quite accustom to it and it will probably be with me until I leave this world to be with God. Probably it also comes from my family. Growing up, each one of us was and is lonely. We had it tough as a family. Not many people like us or related to us. We has some friends but as a family, we were not thought of, so I could say my sense on the matter is just a familar way of life to me.
When I think about what I have felt today, it has started because of my insecrities. Maybe that is exactly what fear is. It is what I fear about myself or what I fear in life which triggers these emotions. It can grip me though and the loneliness takes a while to leave. My emotion was set off by not having anyone to spend time with today. Sounds silly I know, but it creates in me a strong sense of myself and how I am feeling, so all my emotions talk to one another and then my mind decides it will leave me with a feeling of loneliness, depression and sadness. It's almost like they are a person unto themselves. Thus the tangible feeling of a cloak around me and hat which creates the sensation of heaviness. I will never be able to understand it & I will never know when it comes upon me. Sometimes it's something small triggering it off and other times it is a big thing which can leave me feeling for days a sadness I can not shake.
I have heard it said we control what we feel, we control how we let allow other people's emotion toward us affect us. I am not sure that is entirely true.
Yes, I will succeed in life and work through problems and emotions and how I live my life or how I let the world around me effect me. However, sometimes things are not in my control. Sometimes I've just got to ride it out. Sometimes I'm just sad or happy or mad or at peace. Sometimes I will be down but the best part of it is, there is a finish which is not neccessarily bad or tragic, it's just life, it's just life. Sometimes I've got to remember that, sometimes.
Sometimes I just want to tell people I am not happy but feel like it's not a subject easy to bring up, so I just allow what I am feeling to take some control of me. If I could just sleep it off, I would, but the sensation stays with me once I've woken and it doesn't solve anything.
Sometimes I want to be pissed off and be allow to be pissed off! I'm just such a nice girl though. No one would cope with the nice girl in a bad mood or sad or indifferent mood. And to be pissed off also means I would distance myself. The subject is off limits. People would never let me show or say what I am really thinking anyway. People don't seem to understand or cope with the nice people venting. They certainly don't let me. Or maybe I don't give them the opportunity. I am not saying they would be offended but if I stand up for myself, it's like I became alien to them. I just want to tell them, 'it's nothing personal but you have to let me be upset some of the time. You have to let me be something other than nice and ammicable. Just because I stand up for myself or show my frustration, it is not about you, it's about me. Allow me to speak my mind and voice my feelings'. How do you bring up the subject of, 'I'm not doing great and I feel...'?
Sometimes I want to yell and scream, kick or punch something. Sometimes I want to 'not' care what people think or act toward me. Like Tom Cruise in 'Risky Business' when he says," 'sometimes you've just got to say, 'F..... em'".
I did though. Not the 'F.... em' but the yelling and the screaming. I couldn't believe how much emotion was inside of me. I was driving home from the shops. 'Counting the beat' came on the radio. At once I turned up the radio as loud as I could and yelled and screamed and sang as aggressively as I could, just to get out what I was feeling. I felt like I could have continued to rage but after the song had finished, I turned the radio off and drove in silence. It was ment to make me feel better but I think I am as numb as I was before. I did of course drive responibly but I was wild!
If I could pin point what sets this mood off, I would say it was loneliness. Today I realise, I have always been alonley person. Not that I am lacking company. Rememeber, I am a nice girl, a likable girl. I make friends easy and I do have amazing friends. Friends I would never give up and friends I give my life for. Also I have a wonderful family. Next to my belief in Christ and My heavenly Father, my family are my very soul and heart of my being, so I am not without loving company and I return that love. My loneliness is the sense of meloncholy and somehow tragic. It may be a little dramatic but I have always had it within me. Maybe that is the artist within? To which I am not afraid of my loneliness or being alone. I have become quite accustom to it and it will probably be with me until I leave this world to be with God. Probably it also comes from my family. Growing up, each one of us was and is lonely. We had it tough as a family. Not many people like us or related to us. We has some friends but as a family, we were not thought of, so I could say my sense on the matter is just a familar way of life to me.
When I think about what I have felt today, it has started because of my insecrities. Maybe that is exactly what fear is. It is what I fear about myself or what I fear in life which triggers these emotions. It can grip me though and the loneliness takes a while to leave. My emotion was set off by not having anyone to spend time with today. Sounds silly I know, but it creates in me a strong sense of myself and how I am feeling, so all my emotions talk to one another and then my mind decides it will leave me with a feeling of loneliness, depression and sadness. It's almost like they are a person unto themselves. Thus the tangible feeling of a cloak around me and hat which creates the sensation of heaviness. I will never be able to understand it & I will never know when it comes upon me. Sometimes it's something small triggering it off and other times it is a big thing which can leave me feeling for days a sadness I can not shake.
I have heard it said we control what we feel, we control how we let allow other people's emotion toward us affect us. I am not sure that is entirely true.
Yes, I will succeed in life and work through problems and emotions and how I live my life or how I let the world around me effect me. However, sometimes things are not in my control. Sometimes I've just got to ride it out. Sometimes I'm just sad or happy or mad or at peace. Sometimes I will be down but the best part of it is, there is a finish which is not neccessarily bad or tragic, it's just life, it's just life. Sometimes I've got to remember that, sometimes.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Going Green
How To Help The Enviroment!
There are lots of thing we can do to help the enviroment, this is something you could do:
* You can plant more trees in your garden allowing more oxygen to circularlate threw your area.
* Buy local and seasonal food. The reason?... It releases less carbon dioxide and causes less pollution.
* Reuse, recycle and redeuce. Reuse plastic bags from shopping centres and reuse egg cartons for extra eggs.
* Put the right things in the recycling .... Paper, (some) plastic, metal and glass, things like foam, toys, paint or batteries, they go into the red bin.
* Use food scraps for compost! It is great moulch and can keep your soil healthy. It breaks down easily, things such as: Egg shells, bread and (most) vegetables can be put in compost. Things like: Meat, bones or cirtrus (only unless you have worms in the compost - NO CIRTRUS!)
There are lots of thing we can do to help the enviroment, this is something you could do:
* You can plant more trees in your garden allowing more oxygen to circularlate threw your area.
* Buy local and seasonal food. The reason?... It releases less carbon dioxide and causes less pollution.
* Reuse, recycle and redeuce. Reuse plastic bags from shopping centres and reuse egg cartons for extra eggs.
* Put the right things in the recycling .... Paper, (some) plastic, metal and glass, things like foam, toys, paint or batteries, they go into the red bin.
* Use food scraps for compost! It is great moulch and can keep your soil healthy. It breaks down easily, things such as: Egg shells, bread and (most) vegetables can be put in compost. Things like: Meat, bones or cirtrus (only unless you have worms in the compost - NO CIRTRUS!)
These are thing you can do to help the enviroment
Hope you liked it! :)
By Jessica V!
Just on lend
Well it's a great thing when your kids want to share something they feel passionate about. Although my daughter is small in size and young in age, she has a desire to stand up for the environment. I did say to her one day, I did think she needed to read more about the environment which did upset her just slightly but then I thought, maybe I should just let her say what she wanted to say and all the rest will come in time. Plus I think if we get paricular about their voice, then when we finally give them the opportunity, they might not want to share their veiws on any matter. So I am stepping back and letting my Jess use my blog to put across what she feels and thinks about the environment..Hope you like it and give her a go.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
I just want to say, 'thanks' to anyone who has viewed my blog. About 2 minutes ago I had a dummy spit to God about how I am frustrated I am not getting the acting work. I've fantacised the work to be pouring in and me at work on the set and earning a living. It gets me down knowing I want to work, even as an extra and still nothing. And just when I am about to lose it completely, I view my blog and I see there are people who have taken time to look over what I have contributed. So thank you to all the people of the world reading my blog. It's not much but at least I am being taken seriously on one level and that gives me hope I have a purpose for this life, even on a small scale. Bless yah!! Lizz
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Domestic Bliss
What exactly is, 'Domestic Bliss'? Is it a state of mind, a practicle way to live or just something Hollywood conjured up to make it more romantic on the telly or big screen? Or is domestic bliss, finding glimpses of happiness or peace in the every day family, a sense that all is right with the world?
There have been many occasions where I find myself thinking I'm a little lost in my 'reality' of family. The 'what if's' creep in. Especially when I have a disagreement with the husband or the children aren't doing all they are asked and there is total disruption within the family unit. It might be a small trival disruptions, but non the less, an unbalanced perseption of the family.
I actually feel, domestic bliss, is a bit of everything, with the latter taking precidant.
Looking at my own family growing up. Boy, now that's an example I choose not to follow. My family was filled with abuse, neglect, selfishness, poverty, alienation and pain. We were by no means the ideal family example. So many things went on behind closed doors, not many people knew the daily goings on; things, I never want my daughters to have to experience.
Yet for all my family's short comings, we still functioned as a family unit. We still went to church, we still went on family holidays, we still laughed and had fun, we still ate dinner with each other and shared life, we still fought with our parents and siblings, we still punished each other for just being in the same space. There was hate and love, unforgiveness and revenge, there was fear and uncertainty, there was believing the way we lived could be better else where. Life seemed normal to us. We may have been suffering in the internal walls of our home but we still functioned. Our domestic bliss didn't seem to effect us, because we didn't know what that was, it was just living day to day.
There is so much I regret about my childhood and as much as it would have been nice to have a different life, a more stabble home, safer environment, there was still a functioning unit. Whether you could call us 'a family' in this context remains to be see. I am not sure we would be the perfect model. However, there's the irony; a disfunctional family is really a functional family.
I look at the family I am raising now and I have nothing to complain about or query really. Domestic Bliss, whether it be true or a myth, I think I can strive for it to become my reality. Maybe I am looking for a text book experience and I am just pissed off that is not turning out how I expected it to. Of course I want the 'painted picture' of a family that looks like they haven't a care in the world. I want to embrace the Brady Bunch family and take on board how they raise their kids. Who doesn't? Wouldn't life be so wonderful if family life and it's problems could be solved within half an hour? Wouldn't life be such a breeze? Groovy hey?
Domestic bliss is really just the way we handle each situation as it comes. Remember this is my perception.
I have to stop myself sometimes from wanting everything to run smoothy in my life. I don't want the yelling or the fights or the noise. I don't want to have my children argue with me everytime I tell them to do something. I want to have children who can be kind to each other and seek out how they can be less selfish to each other. It would be great to not have them hassel me to spend more money everytime we go out. It would be lovely to be able to have long deep and meaningfuls with the husband and to not feel sometimes we are strangers. I would love to see my husband and my children relate to one another and that we all just get along.
This just makes me look harder at all the truely wonderful things in life I am experiencing as a mother and as a wife. There is somewhat of a trade off here. Do I dwell on the fact my children can be disrespectful and naughty, with, how loving they are to me and want to give me hugs and love and to feel safe with me as there mum? Do I hold on to the many tears I have shed by them frustrating me from fighting and the cruel words they say to me and each other? Or do I keep close to my heart how many times they embraced each other, looked out for each other, played beautifully and laughed uncontrollable with each other. I know my children feel safe with me and they know they are loved and I know they love me. What more can domestic bliss be than this?
Yesterday, I was driving to the shops with Miss 10. I needed to get some more food. As I was driving, Miss and I were chatting about nothing too important and we were listening to the radio, just hanging out. Then a sense of rightness come over me. It felt like I was being covered by a soft sheet or blanket. It wasn't heavy or firm but more a soft and suttle sense. It was enough for me to realise I was having a sensation of happiness and right placeness, of normality.
There was no band playing the song, 'we are family', no bells or whistles to say I am in domestic bliss. It was knowing I was happy, my family is happy, that we are normal. This is when I started to think about, 'What is Domestic Bliss?'.
I am concluding domestic bliss is what you make it. Life isn't picture book perfect by any means and domestic bliss is life. Life trying it's best to function as normally as it can. It has times when everything just breaks and it has times when everything seems to work. Disfunction doesn't make domestic family life any less functional. It makes it normal and perfect and happy and real. With all the short falls in family life, I take them because they are as beautiful as when everything is moving at the right way. I have 2 of the most incredible beautiful children, who make my life so much better. I have a husband who would do anything for me and loves me to bits. My children are my greatest achievements in my life. Next to my faith, I have done a good thing. Sometimes I just watch my husband and my daughters. It so wonderful to see us as a family. That is when I know I am in the right place, even if sometimes things don't go swimmingly, I know I am happy. I know I am in Domestic Bliss.
There have been many occasions where I find myself thinking I'm a little lost in my 'reality' of family. The 'what if's' creep in. Especially when I have a disagreement with the husband or the children aren't doing all they are asked and there is total disruption within the family unit. It might be a small trival disruptions, but non the less, an unbalanced perseption of the family.
I actually feel, domestic bliss, is a bit of everything, with the latter taking precidant.
Looking at my own family growing up. Boy, now that's an example I choose not to follow. My family was filled with abuse, neglect, selfishness, poverty, alienation and pain. We were by no means the ideal family example. So many things went on behind closed doors, not many people knew the daily goings on; things, I never want my daughters to have to experience.
Yet for all my family's short comings, we still functioned as a family unit. We still went to church, we still went on family holidays, we still laughed and had fun, we still ate dinner with each other and shared life, we still fought with our parents and siblings, we still punished each other for just being in the same space. There was hate and love, unforgiveness and revenge, there was fear and uncertainty, there was believing the way we lived could be better else where. Life seemed normal to us. We may have been suffering in the internal walls of our home but we still functioned. Our domestic bliss didn't seem to effect us, because we didn't know what that was, it was just living day to day.
There is so much I regret about my childhood and as much as it would have been nice to have a different life, a more stabble home, safer environment, there was still a functioning unit. Whether you could call us 'a family' in this context remains to be see. I am not sure we would be the perfect model. However, there's the irony; a disfunctional family is really a functional family.
I look at the family I am raising now and I have nothing to complain about or query really. Domestic Bliss, whether it be true or a myth, I think I can strive for it to become my reality. Maybe I am looking for a text book experience and I am just pissed off that is not turning out how I expected it to. Of course I want the 'painted picture' of a family that looks like they haven't a care in the world. I want to embrace the Brady Bunch family and take on board how they raise their kids. Who doesn't? Wouldn't life be so wonderful if family life and it's problems could be solved within half an hour? Wouldn't life be such a breeze? Groovy hey?
Domestic bliss is really just the way we handle each situation as it comes. Remember this is my perception.
I have to stop myself sometimes from wanting everything to run smoothy in my life. I don't want the yelling or the fights or the noise. I don't want to have my children argue with me everytime I tell them to do something. I want to have children who can be kind to each other and seek out how they can be less selfish to each other. It would be great to not have them hassel me to spend more money everytime we go out. It would be lovely to be able to have long deep and meaningfuls with the husband and to not feel sometimes we are strangers. I would love to see my husband and my children relate to one another and that we all just get along.
This just makes me look harder at all the truely wonderful things in life I am experiencing as a mother and as a wife. There is somewhat of a trade off here. Do I dwell on the fact my children can be disrespectful and naughty, with, how loving they are to me and want to give me hugs and love and to feel safe with me as there mum? Do I hold on to the many tears I have shed by them frustrating me from fighting and the cruel words they say to me and each other? Or do I keep close to my heart how many times they embraced each other, looked out for each other, played beautifully and laughed uncontrollable with each other. I know my children feel safe with me and they know they are loved and I know they love me. What more can domestic bliss be than this?
Yesterday, I was driving to the shops with Miss 10. I needed to get some more food. As I was driving, Miss and I were chatting about nothing too important and we were listening to the radio, just hanging out. Then a sense of rightness come over me. It felt like I was being covered by a soft sheet or blanket. It wasn't heavy or firm but more a soft and suttle sense. It was enough for me to realise I was having a sensation of happiness and right placeness, of normality.
There was no band playing the song, 'we are family', no bells or whistles to say I am in domestic bliss. It was knowing I was happy, my family is happy, that we are normal. This is when I started to think about, 'What is Domestic Bliss?'.
I am concluding domestic bliss is what you make it. Life isn't picture book perfect by any means and domestic bliss is life. Life trying it's best to function as normally as it can. It has times when everything just breaks and it has times when everything seems to work. Disfunction doesn't make domestic family life any less functional. It makes it normal and perfect and happy and real. With all the short falls in family life, I take them because they are as beautiful as when everything is moving at the right way. I have 2 of the most incredible beautiful children, who make my life so much better. I have a husband who would do anything for me and loves me to bits. My children are my greatest achievements in my life. Next to my faith, I have done a good thing. Sometimes I just watch my husband and my daughters. It so wonderful to see us as a family. That is when I know I am in the right place, even if sometimes things don't go swimmingly, I know I am happy. I know I am in Domestic Bliss.
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