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Is my life worth commentating on?  Do people really want to know what I get up to or what I have to say?  What makes me even think for a moment I am contributing to the world by what I share?
I feel like I should keep my feelings close to my chest like a card player who doesn't want his opponents knowing what he has in his hand for fear of losing the card game.
One of my fears in this life is turning out like my mum.  Now my mum is not a horrible person by any means. The thing with my mum was, she shared all too much.  If she had an ailment, she would let the world know.  Her health wasn't the greatest but I feel she wore it like a badge of honour.  I can still visualise the awkward silence before comment of, 'that's not good' from her listener.  When they probably were wishing to say something else.  Where do people go with that sort of information?  How should they respond?  It was almost unfair of her to burden her listener with such information but she just wanted to be heard. She wanted someone to care enough to show they thought she was important.
My mum had  5 kids and not a lot of time for herself.  I am sure she didn't cope but felt she couldn't share with her woe of motherhood.  And lets face it.  A kids life is a pretty easy life in some respects.  The get fed, clothed, housed.  When they are sick, they have someone to get them through the illness.  Their tears get wiped away, nose gets blown and they have a  protecter when they get scared.
What did my mum have?  For most of my Mum's life she was a bit of a slave with not much in return.  I was a bit of a shit.  I never really gave my mum any respite, nor did my siblings.  We pretty much expected mum to do it all.  Is it any wonder she let her illness's be a way to get attention?
Unfortunately, this aliment attention runs in the family and don't we love to share.  My family is following in her footsteps just slightly.  We like to share what medically we are going through.  This somewhat repells me.
Maybe this is why I write.  I want people to feel I have something to say because I want them to know I am important or I am worth hearing. Blah, Blah, Blah. Please, I am no more important than the next person.  I say this to myself. 
I have been researching the last couple of days the problem I am facing and asked a friend if she might have any information.  There is way too much information on my problem. However, she could not find any complete info on the subject but next thing my ailment is being shared as a general conversation.
I couldn't help but feel some distain from the listener, not on purpose but just a general sense.  It could all be in my mind but I started to feel somewhat sad.  I could see my mother's senario.  She'd share and a wall would go up between her and her listener.
As the conversation went on, my anxiety began to rise and I felt like I shared too much.  Of course, the dialogue in my head was, 'why did you bother saying anything?  They don't care' or 'Gosh, I am sure they want to be anywhere else but here listening to you' or 'Not something else'.
I believe we should share our burdens with our friends and I believe we need to reach out for help when needed.  Me though, I don't actually follow that rule.  I have confided in some friends but I find it hard to share my deepest feelings and thoughts because how do you start that conversation up?  How do you begin?  I have no idea how to bring that sort of subject up.  So I end up living in my silence.  Great role model for my daughters hey?
When I was leaving today I felt depressed.  I don't want to share like my Mum shared. To have that sigh or that awkward silence before comment.  It is not something I am prepared experience anymore.  Maybe it's pride, maybe it's just my imagination but it is real to me.  I am not that important that people should have to listen to anything I have to share.  Yes, it seperates me from the crowd but at least they will feel more comfortable in the knowledge I am not going to continually tell them about all the problems I am having.  I will be selective in what I say and what I give.
That is just the way it has to be.  No one really wants to think that Lizz is anything but a happy go lucky sort of person. It is the way they have thought about me for a long time now, so I will continue to let them think I am a person who is happy and consistant and well adjusted and nothing fazes me. No point changing now.  It's not all bad though.  At least I am reliable and people will feel they can share with me what they are experiencing with out the threat of me being anything but a good friend and listener.  It's just the way life goes and is.