2013

I am writing this at 9.10 am on Janurary 1, 2013, so whomever reads this blog might still be in 2012.  The year has gone fast so quickly that I have to think about what I have acheived over the past year. Where was I and how has 2012 changed me or not changed me. 
The low for me was my recovery from ankle surgery.  I was completely nieve to think it would go smoothly.  I was depressed and probably at my lowest.  Not only did I feel, I would never get over something so trivial in some respects but the pain and the ankle in no better, in fact it is worse than before I had the op.  It has taken me a good 12 months to feel I am somewhat normal again.
The highlight for me was meeting 2 of the most remarkable men from Nigeria.  They are bible college students. They came to church with their Australian lecturer and were grateful for the Aussie experience but showed me I have yet to learn what real 'Grace of God' means.  They face the uncertainty of death, loss of family, home and income from the countries many internal wars and  they face poverty every day.  I was given a lesson in my own lack of knowing the true Grace of God.  I will never know in this world what it is like to feel unsafe in my own country and the problems they face on a day to day basis. 
After hearing them speak I got to meet them and I said Thank you.  My faith changed that day and I was burdened to put my faith into action.  I said to God, 'if I had money I would give it to them for their learning and their families'.  Then I remembered I had $100 in my bank which I was saving for France.  I had to put what God had placed in my heart into action or it is just words, it is just a thought, it is just a matter of fact attitude.  It seemed to set the tone for me for the year and the woes of my ankle seemed to fade.  Now I have to believe that by putting God's challenge into action, He has restored something in me that will continue for a long time to come.  And I have to believe what I could give them in a small way will have a much bigger purpose for them and their families.
I was going to write more but I am thinking I will finish it here except to say, I have my very low and my very high.  What more could I possible want in life.  God helped me see, my perception of what I view is bad is non to compare with the many other in this world who face conflict every day.  Really my year has been a breeze and I am grateful for everyday and I can't wait to see what 2013 has in store.

Disappointed and somewhat numb..

It's a funny thing disappointment.  I comes in all shapes and sizes.  It comes in emotional, physical and mental.  Disappointment can come through missing out on the things we have strived for, this happened when I missed out on funding for my play, it can come when we miss out on tickets to a favourite show or just in life generally.  People can disappoint us all the time too.  The worst for me is if I disappoint myself, but at this moment, it is disappointment by others.
This walk I am doing on the 4th is slowly becoming a bit of a disappointment.  I thought it had been arranged for the family to meet me in the city so we could stay there and take the girls around to the attractions around the city.  But this seems like an unlikely happening.  In someway I feel a little betrayed.  I am not just disappointed, I am sad.  Sad because I thought it had all been worked out and it would have been a lovely time for the girls and I am disappointed because I was looking forward to it too. 
It would have been nice to walk into a lovely airconditioned room, slumped on the bed and found the spa to help me recover from the big 30 plus walk.  And to also not have to worry about anything normal for at least one night and then get up to have a massage to get rid of all the aches and pains.
Now it is been rearanged, I walk and make my own way home.  No meeting me in the city, no relaxing with the family and no one to celebrate the my achievement of my walk.  Looks like its the bus home for me and that is it.  In someway I feel the support has been taken away and I am left to do this all by myself.  In fact I am not just disappointed but feeling numb as well and also a little pissed!

It's simple really...

There is a formular which hardly takes brain surgery to figure out.  It goes something like this, 'Life goes on'.
It's not rocket science, nor does one have to move to Indian to find the answer to life's quest or questions. 
No matter how many disappointments I get in life or how much joy I receive or how many good days or how many bad days, 'Life goes on'...and it will continue that way whether I am here or not.  Most things are just temperary anyway, so what is the use of letting things cloud my thinking or stop me from going anywhere in this life, 'Life goes on'.  It has always and will always continue to do so. Quite simple really.

Deflated but not defeated..

The last 2 days have been quite interesting.  It has been a total up and down experience for me.  I feel so exhausted by it all. 
Yesterday was more of a physical deflation.  I went to the shop to do my shopping for christmas, as one does, and while shopping and looking around, a candle from the top shelf fell on my head.  I wasn't knocked over but I had the wind taken out of me, plus it hurt like hell.  When paying for my goods, I told the sales guy what had happened but I doubt it will be relayed back to the superviser.  I have a suspicion if I go in there again, the candles will still be on the top shelf and nothing would have changed.
Then the next thing was spilling very hot coffee on myself, burning me and staining my shirt.  I was thinking, 'What a morning I am having'! The good thing was, I had a hair appointment and it was a wonderful distraction to what started out as quite an ordinary, physically demanding day.
Today has had it's own set of deflation.  In someway I feel what I am feeling is quite trivial and I am making such a big deal of the situation.  Then again, it is what I am feeling and that is important too.
Earlier this year I was cast in a short movie and I was so excited someone had thought I was the right person to fulfil this character.  I've been antisipating seening myself on the big/small screen in this roll.  I got my invite and found out, they have cut me from the film.  Although I know the process of how the business works, I am no less disappointed with the outcome.  It was a small production and I know the director feels bad having to cut me from the film.  She was very apologetic.  I get that.  That's show bizz!  Still I am left with a sense of disappointment.  I am probably being a big baby.  I am continually faced with my own delema.  Am I really made for the arts?  Or is the arts made for me?  Do I have the presence and the face for the camera? Or do I just suck at acting?
For so long in my entire life I have done nothing but dream I will be an actor/writer and work in the industry.  Have I just been kidding myself? I will feel differently in the morning, I am sure. What a difference 24 hours makes but I am still feeling deflated.
I am a mum and I also feel it is important to be the example to my children.  If they see their mum achieve a dream, then they also will be drawn to a dream and hopefully succeed at it.  Here's the rub though, if I am not even achieving the little things then what am I ment to be doing?
I am only venting, so it will become clear to me when I have stopped being so emotional.  It just hurts though!  I am not sure I know what to do from now on. 
A couple of years ago, I remember praying out loud talking to God and I said to Him, 'Is there noone who thinks I can act?' My agent I feel, is the only one who has faith and confidence in me.  He has been successfull at getting me some work and casting me in a production.  I don't want to continually doubt my own ability.  Many times I have been reasurred this is not the case but I can't call myself an actor if I am not acting. 
That's why I have decided to write my own work.  I have a play coming up in the new year and it's a good play.  I am one of the characters.  Deciding to write my own jobs was a way I could continually be in the industry.  I still love the arts.  However there is only so much confidence I can have in my own work. 
As I said before, I am venting and tomorrow will be a different day.  I may be deflated but I can't give up any dream of success in the arts industry.  I'm sure someone out there will see that I can do the work.  I'm not after the Hollywood experience as such, I just want to be saying to myself that I did a good job and I am worth the work.  Sometimes though I feel like I am running on empty and I am using up all my emotional, mental and physical resourses to convince myself I can do it.
Maybe this will build character.  I am hoping because at this moment, my character has had a blow.  And I feel pretty low.  There is only so many times I can tell myself I am in the right direction. That is why I can say, 'it is not impossible'.  Let's hope I will continue to feel that way and things I would not expect come my way.