Sleeping Beauty

It took Sleeping Beauty only 100 years to be woken from her slumber and curse, I feel I have been away from my blog for more than that.  Not sure what I want to do with my blog, if I want to continue.  As long as I have a moment, such as this one, to put something down, I will come back again and again.
This year is going to be very interesting.  Before I go on though, Happy New Year... I hope 2016 is the best year yet with many blessings.
I wonder what I will contribute to the world of blogging this year.  My page is not exactly a draw card.  If you have been one of the people who have tirelessly kept up with my blog, first let me say, sorry.. I have been off blog for sometime now and I am sure you have had a life since you last viewed a post.
Last year was an amazing year... it had so much happening, I can hardly believe it actually was real.  I did 3 plays, met some really cool people and made friends I never thought I'd ever have the privilege of meeting.  Some are now my absolute favourite people... oh yeah, I picked up a son on the way... long story... the best part, I didn't give birth to him, nor am I financially responsible for him..heheheh... He kind of adopted me.  Called me his Australian mother.  He is truly such a blessing to me, even as I write this, I am getting a little emotional.  I feel like God gave me a desire of my heart.  We don't see each other all that often, I mean he's a grown man and has a life of his own.  But when we get together, I light up.  He has just filled a hole I never thought would ever be filled. 
Ah, what else, I've been writing a screenplay and getting back to writing in general.  Although, I haven't lifted my game when it comes to reading.  To be a good writer, you need to be well read.  Something I am not doing... BAD LIZZIE!!
My screenplay has been put down for a while but I feel it may never be picked up again... I hope I do pick it up because I have such wonderful plans for it.  And I hate leaving things incomplete...
On a more personal note, my girls and becoming young girls... one only a short time away and she will be a women... this distresses me a lot because, time has gone too fast and I want it to stop sometimes so I can keep up.  My youngest I think is changing the most.  It is a joy to watch them develop into these 2 amazing girls who are smart and witty and fun and at time frustrating and interesting and just great to be around.. I love them both... I am glad they are different.. Like most parents, I just wish they would love each other more and be kind to each other but, such is the life of a sibling...
I am feeling very much awake from my slumber.  100 years hey?  Now I have started writing I just can't stop...
Last year was also a big year because I went back to work.  Cooking!!! Can you believe it.  Sometimes I feel it's a cruel joke I have played on myself.. I never wanted to get back to cooking.  I wanted to be doing arty farty stuff... writing, acting, filming but hospitality NO!!!!! 
The thing is though, I feel I am in the right place (as frustrating as that is) and I am not too bad at it.  And I am somewhat enjoying it.  My goal was to fall back in love with cooking and it is slowly happening.  Around this time last year, I felt like cooking was going to be something I would pick up again.  At times I love working, most of the time I want to be doing this (writing blah blah blah), but I am in the right place and it will get me to where I want to be and most importantly, where God wants me to be.  Plus the bonus is, I am finding excuses to cook for friends... mainly baking, which is where my heart is in cooking... love it!!! And I know my friends love it too.
Apart from all of that, I am not missing out on doing the things I love in the arts because I am doing more writing, I am acting more, and I am being creative.  It's all win win.  I forget that I am active in all I love doing.  There is no way I can complain about my life because, it is full.  Full of love, friendship, coleagues, new experiences, the arts, doing stuff and still room for more. 
This year I hope to continue the work I am doing now, in whatever, whether cooking, writing, acting, travelling, learning or making mini movies for youtube.  It is all good and it still blessed God and me at the same time... And hopefully, others too.

Take responsibility

Not sure why my title is 'Take responsibility'.  On the other hand I do.
You know when you go away with your family for holiday and time after time you go the same way you did before and you see the same view again and again?
I kind of feel that is me. 
Yet every time you go on the same trip, the scenery is just a little different because the tree grew taller or there is another park bench in that same park.  Or there is less or more buildings on your journey.  A slight change every time you revisit the same place.  This is my reality.
I seem to go the same way, see the same things and revisit it all over again.  However, the view is altered just slightly.  It's not just different because the view has change but I have changed also.  I think that is the point. 
Yes, I take responsibility of things which are the same.  Like, my aim to become a writer or an actor or a Nutrimetics manager or lose weight.  I get to a certain point and I just stop or I don't go further.  I accept the way life is at that moment or I don't add to the experience.  Kind of like I have settled for what I feel I have become or won't become. 
However, just like the trip, every time might be the same.  I might see the same things and revisit what is familiar but each time I need to remember, the view is a  little bit different to the last. Not forgetting though, it changes because life changes... that's the beauty of life...
I take responsibility for: if I want change in my life and change my surroundings, it is me who has to change.  This is great  for me at the moment because, for the first time, there is no guilt attached.  Normally I would punish myself for not getting to where I need to go such as becoming manager or writing my next book or getting my next play or loosing 5 kilo, but for some reason, I don't feel guilty anymore... maybe its my age, maybe it is because I am truly happy with who I am.  I don't know but one thing I know is I don't want to question it.  Not having guilt is quite liberating.
At the end of the day, I am only letting myself down.  I want my life to make a statement but I want more to remember the scenery for the changes it has made over the years and find the beauty in the slight changes too, no matter how big or small they may be. 

100 years ago

It so feels like 100 years ago since I was here... so many things have happened yet not too much has happened at all.
So what has happened over the last few months? Well...
Went to Adelaide for Christmas, saw the family, had a great time...said goodbye to my father-in-law, who was very sick & dying....
Husband & I
Came home, began a play (The Emperor's new clothes) had to leave Sydney opening day because father-in-law died, flew to Adelaide with family for the funeral...(2 days ago it would be 3 months since he passed)
Headed back to Sydney, finished the play, had the best time, performed with some really cool and amazing actors.
Rejoined Nutrimetics. Have done really well... wanting to see success and just have a regular job that brings in fantastic money and I want to help other women find their path too...
Was in 2 short films... again got to work with some amazing people... 1 film was going to be shown in the US so I can only hope someone might think I am worth following up.. that same film, my director recommended me on line, huge compliment... 2nd film, I was featured... can only hope I wasn't edited on to the floor...
Finally On April 5 2014 walked all the way to Sydney from Kellyville.. took me 11 hours but I did it!
Daughter at high school now and is obsessed with her hair and looking the part..
Other daughter broke her arm and has just got the use back..
So as you can read, lots has happened and I have nothing to complain about... Life is busy... and good... and full...
I was about to write something deep and observatory but when I re-read I see my speaking of what I don't feel or don't have or am not getting to is pointless because I am so blessed... no matter how I look at it.  I just have to knock myself out the way and just move forward and do whatever it takes to continue on this amazing journey... I didn't walk to Sydney for nothing.  I walked to Sydney because I wanted to achieve something, to feel a sense of accomplishment.. It should continue... and it will..
It may be  100 years since I last did an entry on my blog but really, when I think of it, it was just yesterday I was here....

Never really good enough

You know the feeling you get that no matter what you do or how you go about things or what you venture to do, you will never be good enough.. And will I ever be good enough?
They say you should never look back, only forward.  However it is when we look back in retrospect that I say to myself, will I ever be good enough, will I ever achieve or amount to anything.... this leaves a void and a sadness which will not be moved.

Physician heal thyself

I keep thinking about all the times I have given advice and imparted word of wisdom to my friends and I have to say I feel a little ashamed of myself.  Ashamed because I haven't really followed the advice I freely give to my loved ones.  Making me not very wise at all and some what stupid. 
Today my friend is doing 'tough mudder'.  Tough mudder is an absolutely insane obstacle course which the individual trains themselves hard to the point of breaking just so they can participate.
Now this may seem like madness to some and there a plenty who would not even consider or think about such a potential death trap of an event but it makes sense to those who want a challenge like no other.  I can totally understand their mind set.  As humans we should do stuff outside our own comfort zone.  We should do stuff that challenges us to go beyond what we can do or think or imagine.  That what makes it all so attractive, so tempting. 
Now I didn't do a tough mudda event but I understand the how's and the why's.  When I was planning my first walk to Sydney, people thought I was crazy (in a loving way).  They could never imagine how a person would even want to walk such a distance that seemed to take forever.  I even had the very fit question me on such a feat.  For me though it seemed not so crazy.  It became something I had to do because I put it out there.  I had set myself up for a challenge my human spirit aimed for and I had to use whatever internal resourses I could to get me there, both mentally and physically.
Getting back to the title of this page, I can't help but think how much I lead myself down a negative path by the way I treat myself or the way I think and the way I talk to myself.  It gets me nowhere. 
My walk to Sydney was a moment in time and very significant to me at the time but I never let that moment in my life change who I am as a person.  When I lay there on hotel bed after 8 hours of pain, sweat and tears, I said to myself, 'I can do anything'.  I believe it wholey  (for that moment).  It never followed me though, I went back to the way I had always been, doubting myself and making excuses for the how's and the why's in my life.  Shame on me!!
I should have changed, I should have moved forward, I should have turned a corner but I missed the mark.  Shame on me.
After talking to my friend on the SMS.  After I had given her words of encouragement, it showed me how much I still need to embrace my own words.  I believe everything I told her.  I now need to take hold of what I am so passionate for her life and begin to life the very words spoken which come out of my mouth and spirit.
I need to for myself if I am ever going to get over the hurdles in my own life and begin to see the fruits of my own labour.  And it's not just for me it's for my friends to see that my words are not empty and for my girls so they also know when they say anything of importance it actually means something. 
Why did I use 'Physician heal thyself'?  Well Jesus said this and it makes sense.  Prevention is better than cure.  And I think Jesus was also telling us, the questions we for our lives, we can pretty much answer them ourselves.


 

Vacancy

You know the feeling.. there you are in a good situation, nothing really worth complaining about in your life.. you have everything you need, life has been going at a steady pace and you are blessed enough, things seems to be fine but you are still left with the sense of vacancy; not vague or empty but just vacant. 
Today I am feeling that way.  It is quite surreal.  It is like my insides are expecting something to happen at some stage in this life but there is an uncertain sense with in.  Not unhappiness, just a sense that things in my life could be at a different level. 
I don't know.. maybe its just one of my whingy days but I have nothing to be whinging about.  There is just a feeling things will not complete... I have such a blessed life.  I have all I have ever wanted.  My life isn't full of quantity and that's o.k.  I believe it's quality of life that is more important than quantity.  A person can fill their lives with plenty but that doesn't mean they are any happier than the person who has nothing.
Why am I writing this, it probably makes no sense.  I am beginning to wonder myself. As I write it brings me out of the mood and the downward sense I am feeling.  Writing is my elixir, so yes I am feeling vacant but the slight despair I was feeling has kind of moved on. 
However I still have what I was thinking in the back of my mind and wonder where will it all end up: my life, my family life, my career, the path I am treading, my marriage, my motherhood and my life as an individual.  That is the beauty of life itself, it's all a mystery and I can't wait to see where it all takes me.  So far it has not been boring and I know my life has not been for nothing but worth every situation I have been in.  I know my life has not been for vain purposes but for life itself.. my daughter's are the proof of that.

Bad habits changing to good habits..

Today I begin a little experiment in changing bad habits into good habits.  But it's not me who is trying to change from bad to good, it's my girls.  A little human dynamics so to speak.
I have been watching my girls interact with each other over the years and it is getting to a point as to where I should go or what should I do?
I have a 12year old and a soon to be 8 year old.  My oldest is quite mean at the best of the time and doesn't show love of Empathy or feeling for her younger sibling.  The younger is getting even more distressed by her sisters lack of attention in all aspects.
Don't get me wrong, sometime they play and communicate beautifully but other times they are at each other and it doesn't stop.  Now you might say, 'this sounds normal' but I don't want it to be normal, I want them both to love each other and support one another.  I am not asking for Hollywood here but I do wish they would just share each other with each other.
So, how is the situation going to change? I am going to change the momentum and replace a bad habit with a good one or a bad attitude to a good attitude. 
I am reading this book at the moment about habits.  It talks about replacing a bad habit with a good habit.  The books says that when we concentrate on 1 bad habit first like giving up smoking or drinking then all other habits will then follow or we don't focus on those bad habits.  Example; if I exercise for 15 minutes a day and that is all I concentrate on, my mind and body are not going to think about the other things like over eating. I will eventually not want to eat the bad stuff because my mind is focused on getting fit and good eating will follow.
This is where my experiment comes in.  Every day for 30 days twice a day, when they get up and before they go to bed, my girls have to hug &kiss each other and say, 'I love you, I love being your sister & I love that I am your sister'.  I want to help change the way they think of each other by creating a habit within them so it becomes natural to them to know and say they love each other.  It is kind of like affirming them and they affirming to each other they love each other.
I also had to show them and lead by example so I said the same thing to them and to my husband and maybe just maybe we will be a closer family and love each other more than before, then the girls will know how much they are loved and how much they have potential to love one another. 
I will keep you posted.  Fingers crossed I will have to girls who do truly care for one anther.