Sometimes

Sometimes it gets all too much for me. I feel the blanket upon my head and the feeling of being wrapped up, unable to move or change the mood.  It such a tangible feeling, the sadness.  Not so sad that there is no solution or way out, just enough to stop me in my tracks, keeping me down, unable to get up.
Sometimes I just want to tell people I am not happy but feel like it's not a subject easy to bring up, so I just allow what I am feeling to take some control of me.  If I could just sleep it off, I would, but the sensation stays with me once I've woken and it doesn't solve anything.
Sometimes I want to be pissed off and be allow to be pissed off!  I'm just such a nice girl though.  No one would cope with the nice girl in a bad mood or sad or indifferent mood.  And to be pissed off also means I would distance myself.  The subject is off limits.  People would never let me show or say what I am really thinking anyway.  People don't seem to understand or cope with the nice people venting.  They certainly don't let me.  Or maybe I don't give them the opportunity. I am not saying they would be offended but if I stand up for myself, it's like I became alien to them.  I just want to tell them, 'it's nothing personal but you have to let me be upset some of the time.  You have to let me be something other than nice and ammicable.  Just because I stand up for myself or show my frustration, it is not about you, it's about me.  Allow me to speak my mind and voice my feelings'.  How do you bring up the subject of, 'I'm not doing great and I feel...'?
Sometimes I want to yell and scream, kick or punch something.  Sometimes I want to 'not' care what people think or act toward me.  Like Tom Cruise in 'Risky Business' when he says," 'sometimes you've just got to say, 'F.....   em'".
I did though.  Not the 'F.... em' but the yelling and the screaming.  I couldn't believe how much emotion was inside of me.  I was driving home from the shops. 'Counting the beat' came on the radio. At once I turned up the radio as loud as I could and yelled and screamed and sang as aggressively as I could, just to get out what I was feeling. I felt like I could have continued to rage but after the song had finished, I turned the radio off and drove in silence.  It was ment to make me feel better but I think I am as numb as I was before. I did of course drive responibly but I was wild! 
If I could pin point what sets this mood off, I would say it was loneliness.  Today I realise, I have always been alonley person.  Not that I am lacking company.  Rememeber, I am a nice girl, a likable girl.  I make friends easy and I do have amazing friends.  Friends I would never give up and friends I give my life for.  Also I have a wonderful family.  Next to my belief in Christ and My heavenly Father, my family are my very soul and heart of my being, so I am not without loving company and I return that love.  My loneliness is the sense of meloncholy and somehow tragic.  It may be a little dramatic but I have always had it within me.  Maybe that is the artist within?  To which I am not afraid of my loneliness or being alone.  I have become quite accustom to it and it will probably be with me until I leave this world to be with God.  Probably it also comes from my family.  Growing up, each one of us was and is lonely. We had it tough as a family.  Not many people like us or related to us.  We has some friends but as a family, we were not thought of, so I could say my sense on the matter is just a familar way of life to me.
When I think about what I have felt today, it has started because of my insecrities.  Maybe that is exactly what fear is.  It is what I fear about myself or what I fear in life which triggers these emotions.  It can grip me though and the loneliness takes a while to leave.  My emotion was set off by not having anyone to spend time with today.  Sounds silly I know, but it creates in me a strong sense of myself and how I am feeling, so all my emotions talk to one another and then my mind decides it will leave me with a feeling of loneliness, depression and sadness.  It's almost like they are a person unto themselves. Thus the tangible feeling of a cloak around me and hat which creates the sensation of heaviness.  I will never be able to understand it & I will never know when it comes upon me.  Sometimes it's something small triggering it off and other times it is a big thing which can leave me feeling for days a sadness I can not shake. 
I have heard it said we control what we feel, we control how we let allow other people's emotion toward us affect us. I am not sure that is entirely true.
Yes, I will succeed in life and work through problems and emotions and how I live my life or how I let the world around me effect me.  However, sometimes things are not in my control.  Sometimes I've just got to ride it out.  Sometimes I'm just sad or happy or mad or at peace.  Sometimes I will be down but the best part of it is, there is a finish which is not neccessarily bad or tragic, it's just life, it's just life. Sometimes I've got to remember that, sometimes.